A British Guy on… Miley Cyrus & The VMAs 2013

This morning the internet was abuzz with talk of the MTV VMAs 2013, Miley Cyrus and One Direction. Being of a rather curious disposition, I decided to investigate the subjects of the various controversies that had arisen from the awards show, and found myself more than a little confused by the current state of the US pop music industry and its stars.

Not being from the United States myself, and not being a particularly ardent follower of popular music trends, watching footage of the VMAs was a terrifying glimpse into a world where men can wear black and white pinstripe suits without fear of criticism, and women can wear beige hotpants that uncomfortably spread their buttocks like Moses and the Red Sea.

These are the things I found most confusing about the whole debacle.

Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke’s… er… performance?

It wasn’t until Miley Cyrus first began making her transition from Hannah Montana to Rihanna Lite that I learned what Hannah Montana was, so I’m not as shocked as most people seem to be that Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter has gone from a Disney child star to a walking softcore porn flick. However, upon watching her performance at the VMAs, I can now appreciate why there’s some confusion as to what direction she is taking her young life in.

For those who haven’t yet seen the footage, allow me to explain: Miley begins by performing her single ‘We Can’t Stop’, which is essentially an anthem for people who don’t want to go out but feel that they have to so that they can take Instagram photos of themselves looking happy, before ripping off her leotard to reveal a nude-coloured bikini. So far, so 2013. But then Robin Thicke emerges from backstage, looking like Beetlejuice if Beetlejuice used VO5 Extreme Style Matt Clay, and the pair then proceed to dry hump onstage. Miley rubs a giant foam finger along the front of his trousers. She bounces her bottom on his leg. She essentially uses the ‘Blurred Lines’ singer as a scratching post, while he stands practically motionless with all the smugness of a man whose career will be defined by the recurring image of a slim woman’s arse being rubbed into his lap. 

Miley Cyrus at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

The VMAs’ audience

One Direction were booed at the VMAs. The VMAs 2013, an awards show where the red carpet was graced by the likes of Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Ed Sheeran, somehow housed people who dislike One Direction. Call me ignorant, but I was under the impression that these artists would share the same fandom, but I suppose there actually exists people who will happily sit through Katy Perry bouncing around a prop boxing ring for ‘Roar,’ but will then turn their noses up at One Direction’s ‘Best Song Ever.’

The celebrity lifestyle in general

After One Direction were booed, Lady Gaga reportedly consoled them. She reportedly did so while dressed like The Little Mermaid’s promiscuous elder sister.

Seeing the above image, of five young lads just chatting with one of their pals who just so happened to have nothing other than seashells covering her vagina, made me consider just how weird it is being a celebrity, and how we should probably cut Miley Cyrus and her hyperactive bottom some slack.

Photos: Getty Images