It is the responsibility of a good film critic to warn you when a movie is bad, or an insidious vessel for corporate brainwashing techniques designed to transform you and/or your kids into soulless zombies. In theory, we are supposed to warn you about films like The Smurfs 2, but frankly, sometimes, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Oh, it’s bad… maybe even terrible… but is it really my moral imperative to warn you away from this particular kind of movie? If you pay good money to see this film, knowing full well that it’s called The Smurfs 2, then you probably deserve every second of this boring, insipid and pandering kiddie flick.
The Smurfs 2 picks up several years after the events of The Smurfs, on Smurfette’s birthday. Years ago, the evil wizard Gargamel (Hank Azaria, trying so hard) created Smurfette in a magical lab to infiltrate the Smurfs and, if The Smurfs 2 is to be believed, simply annoy them. Instead, they were nice to her, she turned blue – conformity! – and now she lives amongst them peacefully. Except… dear god, how could they?! They forgot Smurfette’s birthday. So she runs away, assuming she’s still the outcast, unaware that that a surprise birthday party was in store for her later that afternoon. That’s good drama. Wait… I mean, that’s good drama?
The typical rationale for a film like The Smurfs 2 is that it was made for kids, and therefore only deserves criticism if kids don’t enjoy it. I invite you to think for a moment about how many kids you know who enjoy eating their own boogers and get back to me with your own counterargument. As a cartoon series “The Smurfs” was always milquetoast to the nth degree, so this sort of innocent set-up at least feels consistent with the history of the franchise, but by the time the adorable supporting cast members are tortured, dying or stuck inside Brendan Gleeson’s ass that excuse starts to feel a little insincere.
It turns out that Gargamel, stuck in the real world after the events of the first Smurfs movie, has made a name for himself as a stage magician, using actual transmogrifying powers to become a celebrity. You’d think he’d be pretty happy with that, since celebrities more or less rule the world anyway, but he still wants to actually rule the world – presumably to promote his anti-Smurf agenda, since he has no other interests or beliefs – and he needs “Smurf Essence” to do it.
Gargamel already extracted Papa Smurf’s essence at the end of the last movie, but he’s running low and needs the formula Papa Smurf used to turn Smurfette blue in order to transform his other Smurf-like creations, “The Naughties,” into proper Smurfs so he can extract their essence whenever he wants. Incidentally, the Naughties can only survive by eating the essence of other Smurfs, which is either horrifying or… if you’ve seen Dr. Strangelove and understand the reference that I’m making… completely horrifying.
If you missed it earlier, I will say again that Brendan Gleeson is in this movie. I say it without buildup or explanation because that’s how it feels when he shows up on-screen: off-putting and hard to rationalize. He plays the stepfather of Neil Patrick Harris, who tried to be a good dad but was never fully accepted by his stepson. This runs parallel to the story of Smurfette, who has to decide between her evil “real” father and the kind, loving folks who raised her. Like most kids films, The Smurfs 2 is pushing an obvious agenda, albeit a seemingly innocuous one: to assure children that if their real parents are assholes, it’s okay to disown them and live with someone else. That’s not to say that this statement isn’t more or less true, and that adopted children in loving households couldn’t use a little boost now and again, but it’s intriguingly specific for a film otherwise designed to be utilitarian for all, and plays like an apology from someone on the production who’s having trouble connecting to their new wife’s kids from an earlier marriage.
I’ll say a couple of nice things about The Smurfs 2: there isn’t nearly as much product placement as you’d expect, poop and fart jokes are largely absent, and Brendan Gleeson transforms into a duck. I’d pay good money to see a film called Brendan Gleeson Turns Into a Duck, but I realize I may be in the minority on that one. Suffice it to say that Gleeson, turning in a genuine and fuzzy performance as a good father who can’t catch a break, is by far the best thing about The Smurfs 2, and has more than earned the new sailboat this movie probably bought him.
I would now like to take credit for getting through an entire Smurfs 2 review without using the word “Smurf” in place of another word, in particular as an expletive. It’s hard to resist temptation, but if you are at all tempted to take your family to see The Smurfs 2, I sincerely hope you’ll try.
William Bibbiani is the editor of CraveOnline’s Film Channel and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. Follow him on Twitter at @WilliamBibbiani.
