Why do you do it to yourself? Spending all that money to just regret every last penny of it the morning after? Here’s a rundown of the stupid s*** you do after drinking away your worries.
Remove Your Clothing
You begin the night wearing a freshly-ironed Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt and a pair of moderately expensive brown chinos. You end it by rubbing your sweaty chest hair across strangers’ faces on the dancefloor.
Try to Have a Meaningful Conversation
When you’re drunk your brain and mouth conspire against you, so when you’re trying to inform your friends of your relationship/family/financial problems, what actually happens is that you dribble on your shirt before making a series of non-descript noises.
Offend Someone and then Spend the Majority of the Night Apologising to them
11.12pm: “You’re a silly fat prick Dave.”
1.36am: “Dave, mate, you’re not silly, fat or a prick.”
1.45am: “I love you, Dave. You’re not a silly fat prick.”
3.29am: “Oi Dave, which bastard called you a silly fat prick? I’ll kick his teeth in!”
Use Females as Leaning Posts
When incredibly drunk you will oftentimes find yourself requiring sleep, but lack the resources to do so. If you’re one of the lucky ones who somehow manages to catch the attention of a female despite stumbling about the club with all the spatial awareness of a moth on ketamine, then fortunately you can simply drape yourself across your lady friend, rest your head on her shoulder and shut your eyes, essentially becoming a human coat, except instead of shielding her from the cold air and rain, you instead wheeze into her ear and vomit on her back slightly.
Continue Drinking
There comes a point after you’ve consumed enough alcohol when your mouth becomes nothing more than a funnel, serving no other purpose than to transport liquid from the plastic cup in your hand to your stomach as quickly as possible. At this point you’d be wise to stop drinking. You are not wise. You continue drinking.
Become Overly Attached to a Girl You’ve Just Met
There are only so many times that a girl can maintain eye contact with you across the dancefloor without her expecting you to fall in love with her. It’s not your fault that you’ll spend the majority of your night tailing her like an undercover police officer.
Do Weird Sex Things
As alcohol lowers your inhibitions, if you get lucky tonight there’s a good chance that you’ll wake up tomorrow with a debilitating hangover and memories of repeatedly trying to make your little soldier infiltrate her unmanned bunker, if you know what I mean. For those I don’t know what I mean, the little soldier is a euphemism for your penis, and the unmanned bunker is a euphemism for her anus. You’ll keep trying to put your penis inside her anus.
