In this new, irreverent and uncomfortably condescending column, I’ll attempt to solve the most common guy problems as if I have any authority to do so other than me being the one paid to write and you being the one distracted from whatever you were doing long enough to read my ramblings.
This week’s Guy Problem: Why Am I Still Single?!
Unlike women, most men are single not out of choice, but out of necessity. If a woman says that she “can’t find a man who will have her”, just know that she is displaying humility/lying through her teeth and, in actuality, there are more than a handful of men who would “have her”, but all of whom she deems beneath her standards. However, if a man expresses the same problem, he’s probably telling the truth.
Deducing why you are still single is very easy, even if the solution to your problem isn’t. Mostly all single men fall into one of three categories, which are as follows:
CATEGORY ONE: The Perrenial Bachelor
The perrenial bachelors are the men who, for one reason or another, are completely incapable of holding on to a girlfriend for an extended period of time. They flit from one sexual relationship to another, unable to create an emotional connection between themselves and any female, instead spending their life on a lonely boat that’s sailing across an ocean of their own joyless semen. They enjoy sex, but do not enjoy the looming feeling that, in the event of their death, they will leave nothing behind except for a trail of ex-girlfriends and a few venereal diseases.
CATEGORY TWO: The Disenchanted Soul
After being involved in a messy break-up, the disenchanted souls spend most of their waking lives thinking about their ex-girlfriend. Any sexual encounters they have had following the break-up have been unsuccessful thanks to the impotency brought upon by their low self-esteem, and so rather than going out, getting drunk and falling into bed with strange women who will ultimately be disappointed by their flaccid penis, they instead choose to sit at home watching repeats of Scrubs and listening to Damien Rice.
CATEGORY THREE: The Awkward Chancer
The awkward chancers are dedicated to the acquisition of sex, but lack the tools that are necessary for the task. Matching debilitating social awkwardness with a horniness which suggests that any kind of female touch would incite premature ejaculation, the awkward chancers spend most of their time bravely battling against waves of rejection in the hope that they will meet someone who isn’t deterred by the fact that a paraplegic could unhook a bra faster than they can.
The unfortunate truth is that, no matter which category you fall into, the solution remains the same: there is absolutely nothing that you can do other than to continue just being yourself. And this isn’t some Cosmopolitan “find someone who loves you for you!” bullshit, either. If you’re reading an article entitled ‘Why Am I Still Single?!’ then chances are that just being yourself is the very thing that’s got you into this mess, but what else are you going to do? Go to the gym so that you can develop muscles to surround your inherently unlikeable personality? Start wearing t-shirts with funny slogans on them so that girls think you’re approachable? Grow a beard and take up smoking? No. What you’re going to do is keep being a loveless bachelor/pathetic ex-boyfriend/socially retarded sex pest, and keep praying that you’ll one day meet someone who doesn’t care.
Or, failing that, you could just drink more.
Follow me on Twitter: @PaulTamburro
Photo: Getty Images
