Let’s face it – if sex wasn’t dangled in front of your face like a carrot on a stick attached to a donkey’s forehead, you probably wouldn’t be able to muster up the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, let alone buy superfluous things like expensive shirts and deodorant.
Here are 15 things that you only do to attract women:
1. Lift Very Heavy Objects
Because nothing says “I am a viable sexual partner” better than picking up a fridge.
2. Eat Ridiculously Expensive & Tiny Portions of Food
Spending £65 on a salmon’s fin with a side of green beans shows that you have good taste, apparently.
3. Be Adventurous
There’s nothing a woman loves more than a guy who never sits down.
4. Watch Awful Yet Infinitely Popular Romance Movies
If she finds you repugnant then you’ll have at least watched The Notebook enough times to pretend you’re Ryan Gosling. Failing that, you could just take your shirt off, throw some glitter onto your torso and step into the sunlight.
5. Use Grooming Products
We wouldn’t use moisturiser if we didn’t want sex.
6. Trim Nasal Hair
We wish we could go back in time and tell our 14-year-old selves that one day we would be hunched over the bathroom sink with a pair of tweezers shoved up our nostrils.
7. Go to the Gym
Because trying to work on our singular ab whilst surrounded by a bunch of heavily muscled walking phalluses staring at themselves in the mirror isn’t our definition of an enjoyable Saturday evening.
8. Ask Questions
Because no man genuinely cares about the response when they ask a girl where she bought her shoes from.
9. Buy Drinks
A man who buys a tray of sambuca for a girl he’s just met and her friends is a man who hasn’t had sex in a very, very long time.
10. Pretend to like Terrible Music
“You Me At Six really speak to me on a personal level, y’know?”
11. Shave
We’ve always wanted to go all Cast Away, but as the length of our beard is directly proportionate to how little sex we are having, we’ll just have to settle for the “rugged and manly” look rather than the “drug-addled and homeless” one.
12. Dress Like an Adult
Since when were superhero t-shirts and Converse “immature”?
13. Hit Other Blokes in the Head like Cavemen
Because nothing gets a girl going more than a guy who acts like he’s just discovered fire.
14. Change Underwear
Without women on hand to tell us that wearing the same pair of underwear for 4 days is “repulsive”, the only way we’d be able to tell whether or not we’d been wearing the same pair of boxers for too long is when people refused to stand next to us on the bus.
15. Pretend to like Babies
My nan shits herself, too, but nobody wants to pick her up and cuddle her.
Follow: @PaulTamburro
Header Image: The Chive
