The milage on your Accura reads over 230K. The air conditioning is busted. There’s blood leaking out of the trunk. These are the most obvious signs that your car is dying.
But what about the not so obvious? I wasn’t born in Boston, MA or have a degree in mechanical cars, but this “car guy” knows a thing or two about dying vehicles. I’m driving in one right now!
What I’m saying is that this article might save your life. Maybe your vehicle too.
1. Mechanics pay YOU not to bring your car in
Here is a transcript of a conversation I had with my local mechanic (Bob Sternkowski) last Wednesday:
Bob: Bob Sternkowski’s Auto, this is Bob.
Me: Hi Bob! It’s Sam, I just wanted to…
Bob: I told you to never call this number again.
Me: But Bob, my engine is feeling really sluggish and I thought…
Bob: How much do you want?
Me: What?
Bob: I’ll give you $250. Just please don’t bring that piece of sh*t in here again.
Me: Bob, I need this car for work! Please!
Bob: Your car has a disease. It’ll get the other cars sick.
Me: You’re my only mechan- !
Bob: *click*
2. The convertible top becomes a negative instead of a positive
Above: A Google search for “ripped convertible top”
Beware of holes, breaks, tears, leaks, windows falling out, and moisture when buying a convertible.
When it’s sunny out you look awesome. The wind ripping through your hair as you tear down the Pacific Coast Highway; you pull up to a beach in Malibu and the Hawaiian Tropics swim team pours into the backseat.
When it’s raining your car smells like a wet dog. A depressed wet dog. With mold on its face. And no friends.
3. Your girlfriend would rather make out in a dumpster
She’ll risk hickies, coming home late, drinking underage and STI’s on a regular basis, but she would rather make out where rats poop than get in your car. Maybe you need to fix the A/C, or maybe your station wagon wasn’t the cool car you thought it was.
Or maybe it’s because your vehicle is the receptacle for every fast food dollar menu in a five mile radius.
4. Your dad keeps hearing that “clicking” noise behind your dashboard
Maybe it’s a ghost. Most likely your transmission. But nothing says dead car like your father punching your dashboard and exclaiming “Don’t you hear that? How can you not hear that?”
Your father is a car whisperer. Even if there isn’t a problem with the fuel intake, their sure as hell now is a problem with the fuel intake. Like Stone Cold Steve Austin, it’s cause your dad said so.
Best to butter up to him and take advantage of his natural instinct to fix things. Just leave him a toolbox on his bed and a donut trail to your car. Check back in the morning. Trust me.
5. It’s currently on fire
