Everything’s an addiction these days – if you drink a lot you’re an alcoholic, if you have a lot of sex you’re a pervert – the one thing that isn’t treated as a serious addiction, however, is douchebaggery. But why? Some would argue that those suffering with douchebaggery are just as oblivious to their affliction as those suffering with alcoholism, yet you’ll find no rehab for mahogany-coloured wannabees making love to themselves in their bathroom mirror.
So we here at Crave have decided that we’ll put out this article in order to force those who were previously unaware of their condition to finally take a long, hard look at themselves, put their Ed Hardy t-shirts back on, take their aviators off and start bettering themselves as human beings. Here are 5 glaring signs that you’ve become ‘That Guy’:
1. You regularly combine words together that do not need combining.
You were one of those guys who would use the word “chillax” before it got stool (stale and uncool). Text messages from you read like the Oxford English Dictionary compiled by someone with ADD and will regularly feature you attempting to throw a previously unheard of term into the zeitgeist in the hopes that someone will take it and run with it – like the time you referred to your penis as a “swang”.*
*Swang – a swag penis.
2. You think that any girl who doesn’t have sex with you is a lesbian.
It may be comforting to believe that anyone who doesn’t fall for your charms is a “F***ING DYKE”, but at some point you’re going to have to admit to yourself that your unique blend of offensiveness and unintelligence just doesn’t do it for every female.
3. You spend more time in the mirror than any girl you have ever slept with.
“It takes time to look this good”, you’ve been known to have said in the past. While a modicum of effort in your appearance can certainly go a long way, spending two hours gazing into your own eyes while straightening the shit out of your hair will mean that no amount of over-priced aftershave you spray on yourself will mask the pungent smell of insecurity.
4. You refer to girls by their genitalia.
“Michelle is one fine pussy”, you say. Unfortunately Michelle isn’t your pet cat but is actually the girl you slept with last night, and I highly doubt that, unless Michelle shares the same low self-esteem that you do, she would appreciate being referred to by her genitals.
5. You go to clubs that are named after sex.
If you spend your weekends in clubs with names like “Lust”, “Euphoria” and “Seduction”, chances are that you’re the kind of guy who would quite happily spend his evening thrusting your crotch to the sound of a remix of Sean Paul & Blu Cantrell’s ‘Breathe’. In 15 years time do you really want to have to explain to your twenty-seven children that you met their Mum at a place called “Blow Job”?
