You could be forgiven for thinking that all is lost this Valentine’s Day. You’ve got no one to give flowers to, no one to force feed chocolates, no one to purchase a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine for. It’s just you, your television and your cat, and you’re not even entirely sure whether your cat likes you either.
Fear not, though, because we here at Crave Online have four tips to help you avoid the Valentine’s Day blues no matter your relationship status. Here are 4 things that you shouldn’t do this Valentine’s Day.
Do Not…
4 Things You Shouldn't Do This Valentine's Day
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1. Curl Up Into a Ball and Cry
It’s Valentine’s Day. You’re alone. There have been no cards pushed through your letterbox, not even from your Mum who has spent the past 3 years writing you ‘Secret Admirer’ cards out of sheer pity. Chances are that you shall either spend your evening glued to your settee watching High Fidelity and wondering why you the opposite sex finds you so grotesque, or you’ll decide to bite the bullet and bravely venture into a club full of other morbidly depressed singletons eager to get their lonely hands on equally lonely genitalia.
Even though every sip of vodka and coke you ingest at the bar tastes of hopelessness and regret, you must power through and keep telling yourself that without a girlfriend the world is your oyster. A dull, loveless oyster.
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2. Ask Her On a Date Even Though You Want To Break Up
You’ve got a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Lucky you. You’re the envy of singletons everywhere. Unfortunately, you don’t really want her to be your girlfriend anymore and now you’re stuck in a rather precarious position as you’re forced to decide between sharing a Valentine’s Day meal with a girl who makes weird breathing noises through her nose when she’s chewing her food, or sharing Valentine’s Day with your left hand and YouPorn.com.
If you really do want to break up with this girl then under absolutely no circumstances should you ask her out on Valentine’s Day, no matter how depressing the other alternative may be. Stay strong, soldier, I’m sure there’s another girl who can chew her food quietly waiting just around the corner for you. If not, then treat yourself by mixing things up and trying PornHub.com for a few weeks.
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3. Make Her a Card
We’re in the middle of a tough economic climate and the average decent Valentine’s Day card costs roughly £5. The numbers just don’t add up, so you may be inclined to take the cheaper/more thoughtful route and instead decide to create her a card from scratch. Maybe if it looks good enough, you reason with yourself, you won’t also have to go through the ordeal of buying her gifts.
Unfortunately your arts and crafts skills are akin to that of a quadriplegic 8-year-old and if you do choose to go all DIY and create her a card it won’t look cute or thoughtful, it will instead look like the kind of drawing that a serial killer would scribble on his prison cell wall with his own sh*t.
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4. Say That You’re “Happy to be Single”
The only people who are pleased with being single are those who have just come out of a committed relationship and are now desperate to throw themselves into a club and land on whoever who is willing to have them. You’re not “happy to be single” no matter how many times you post it on Facebook wall; you’re cripplingly alone, just like everyone else is today.
