Sad single girl with big broken heart. Valentine’s day and love concept, divorce; Photo: Viktoria Ovcharenko(Getty Images)
There’s a lot of talk amongst the male community about how women just don’t get it. We hear it everywhere. From movies, from the Sunday comics, from pretty much every advertisement geared towards men. But never is it more apparent than in a situation we’ve all been in- when an ex girl wants you back and you say “No”. It’s ridiculous. They go on about how they love you so much and they can’t imagine being without you and they are going to kill themselves in your apartment while you’re at work, but they just won’t listen to reason.
And eventually, they get over it, and say he didn’t know what he gave up, or that he was just a bastard. But ladies, it’s a lot more than that. Men aren’t good at expressing these things, so as a reminder to the men, and a public service announcement to the women, this is why we won’t take a girl back.
Why An Ex Will Remain an Ex
1) Already Been There
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Now, this is comes across as somewhat rude, but that is hardly what I mean. Yes, once we have sex with you, we immediately become slightly less interested in you. It’s the same way you feel after you’ve gone to the Grand Canyon, or eaten at a restaurant. The mystery is gone. It’s an experience you’ve had. That’s completely normal. Granted, it’s sorta awful, but it’s counteracted heavily by a number of other factors.
If you were great in bed, that outweighs the already been there factor two to one easily. If you make particularly awesome noises, it’s three to one. And most of the time, knowing what you look like naked just makes us wish you were naked more often. We’re actually a pretty big fan of girls we’ve had sex with, generally speaking. But the ‘already been there’ factor rears it’s ugly head again after a breakup.
When two people split, the initial draw of having sex with you for the first time is gone. Not only is it gone, but it’s counteracted by all the horrible things that happened over the course of the breakup. If the relationship was long, it was likely that we tried everything we were going to try. That means that the reconciliation offer amounts to, sexually, do all that stuff you’ve already one with an older version of the same girl who has keyed your car, or told all her friends you have a microscopic dinky-doo, or nailed your brother. She already crapped the bed (possibly literally), and that is now mixed in with all the good memories. Which brings us to…
2) Pavlovian Reaction To Her Face… Forever
A breakup is a horrible thing. It sucks. I’m pretty sure it’s on a bunch of scientific lists of the most traumatic and stressful things ever (scientific citation needed). But very few of the things on those lists occur in one moment, staring face to face. That means in the moment you realized you were no longer going to be with someone who you care about, you were looking at that person. Directly in the face. And they were probably crying.
That image never goes away. If you broke up over the phone or these newfangled interwebs, you’re either too young to get this or too evil to care. No, proper breakups happen face to face. And you never forget it. I still remember the breakup face of every single girl I dated since high school. They’re all horrible, and if I could remove them, I could. Just thinking about them now makes me feel like shit. Jeez.
The point is, that face isn’t a context sensitive thing. It’s just her face. Any time she looks at you, it’s the same face that broke up with you. It suddenly becomes some sort of vile mask of pain and hatred. No matter what you’re saying, we have a Pavlovian reaction to that face meaning we are in, or about to be in, the most excruciating of all the pains. So why are those feelings so strong?
3) Women Are Terrible At Breakups
Now, I’m not saying men are any better, but I’ve never split up with a man, so I have a hard time saying. However, having quite a bit of experience in the subject on this side, I have found that women are really bad at breaking up with people. They do things they would never normally do, make ridiculous, life changing decisions, and generally make both former members of the relationship miserable.
Breakups are generally horrible, but they don’t really have to be. There is a pragmatic way to do it, where both parties realize it won’t work and split amicably. Sure, it’ll still suck, but not nearly as much. I understand this may be a pipe dream, and I’m sure there are men that keep it from being possible too. But every girl I’ve dated had to make it suck as much as possible. All I wanted was to know whether or not we’d still be together. They wanted their 90’s WB teen dramas reenacted loudly and in my face. Go to hell, Dawson’s Creek. Burn forever right next to the men you drove to hit their women. (Not a justification, just an explanation.)
My friends do it too. I even point out exactly what they are doing wrong and how to fix it. Then they come back to me, shocked, wondering what went wrong. Maybe if you didn’t act like such a heinous bitch, he might still love you, but you spent on that goodwill on screaming matches and wanton sex. Which brings us to the most likely reason of all…
4) She Banged Another Guy
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Throughout the history of humanity, there has been imbalance of the morays relating to men and women’s sexual promiscuity (historical citation needed). In an attempt to resolve this, I will establish 5 basic rules for either gender when it comes to sex, and if you keep to this, you won’t be branded a ten dollar prostitute (or gigolo).
1) Don’t screw if you’re underage.
2) Don’t screw unprotected unless (etc etc etc)
3) Don’t screw your family.
4) Don’t screw outside of a relationship if you are in one.
5) Don’t screw immediately after a breakup.
The fifth one seems strange, I know, but honestly, it’s healthy. After a breakup, you should, for the mental health of both you and your partner, cool your jets a bit until a return to mental stability occurs. But if you do, you’re not really a ten dollar prostitute to anyone but the person you broke up with. And the dude you nailed for a tequila shot.
The point is, it’s incredibly screwed up. You can’t be screwing one guy and then wanting to get back together. And you REALLY can’t be doing them both at the same time. But that’s why rule number five is stupid. However, rule number four…
5) Rule Number Four (damn, the numbers are reversed)
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Cheating is stupid. For a lot of reasons. Probably another article in that. But, in the context of this article, cheating is stupid because you have immediately given him every reason he needs not to ever speak to you again. Forever. That’s like Hitler coming to Israel and being all like “What do you think of second chances, eh guys?”. You don’t get to do that, women. That’s not a thing that you get to do.
I get that it’s a more modern world. I understand that people can have sex more freely now than ever before. And that’s fantastic. I am a huge fan of sex. But if your partner isn’t necessarily as cool as you or I, and isn’t hip to this post-sexual revolution world or whatever, then you have to suck it up and have sex with only them. Or not be with them. But don’t nail someone else and THEN break up. That’s basically sex treason.
6) SHE Dumped YOU
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I know this entry will only statistically cover 51% of breakups (assuming everyone on Earth has dumped an equal number of people), but it’s still an important factor. And honestly, if you dumped her, then you know exactly why you won’t take her back, because it’s exactly the same reasons you dumped her for. So that was easy.
But if she DID dump you, then all of those previous entries take on a different character. You had to look at her face while she was dumping you. You’ve already had sex with her and she dumped you. She’s laid with another man and also she dumped you. Does that make sense ladies? I know we’re not fountains of emotion all the time, and generally we can seem pretty insensitive, but that hurts. I’m amazed you haven’t figured that out yet.
7) She Is Just So Sad All The Time
Is it just me, or are women the absolute masters of being miserable? The moment something happens that they don’t like, or worse, they realize they’ve made a mistake, and suddenly it’s all running mascara and crashing their car. This is doubly true of breakups. After a breakup, girls are so dramatic that they need a 12 piece Greek Chorus backing them up with morose moaning. And despite the whole damsel in distress thing being a turn on, it’s not pretty.
We know your crazy bullshit, ladies. After a breakup, we’ve lived with it for a while. For the months after a breakup, we know it’s turned up to ten. And we want no part of it. I don’t care that you’re writing suicidal poetry, doing porn or reading Dianetics. It’s not my problem anymore. That’s, like, the one benefit to breaking up. Do you think piling more of it on me will make me want you back more? Do you really think the things I missed most about you were your raging hormones and melodrama? But even if you brought your absolute best to the table, it may not work because…
8) Men Know Broken Up Sex Doesn’t Last
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I was talking before about how women do crazy things in the midst of a breakup. Well, that includes sex. With the guys they broke up with. And it is the craziest sex that girl will ever have. It’s probably some of the best sex the guy will ever have. But that’s all it is.
Women seem to think that doing that one thing we always begged them to do will make us love them again. But that’s not something you have to read in Cosmo, that’s obvious to every man on the planet. Which means we know you’re gonna do it. Which means you don’t mean it.
The point is that if you don’t really want to do it, no matter how special it is that you are doing it, you’re not going to do it ever, ever again. We’d love you to, really, but this is a one time low self esteem ploy for attention. We will humor it, and love humoring it, but we aren’t going to buy the cow that left us for an amateur botanist just cause the milk was really great that one time.
9) Life Really Sucks After A Breakup
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Get it (they’re SUCKING)
The picture that I’m trying to paint for you is that life ain’t too pretty on the dude side of the breakup equation. Everything sucks. Your daily schedule suddenly changes completely. You are allowed to do things you weren’t before, but that won’t fill in the things you can’t do anymore. Pretty much the only thing you can feel is lonely. And that’s not even a great relationship. That’s a half decent one. After a really spectacular relationship, everything is the worst it could possibly be. Nothing can change that.
So why do you think this is a good time to try to get back with us? It’s like invading Russia. We’re just cold and horrible and nothing you do will get through to us. Hell, it’s like invading Russia if you were the ancient witch that made Russia cold and horrible all the time. We’re both going to suffer grievous losses, and then you’ll give up, broken and defeated. What I’m trying to say is…
10) Give Us Some Time
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It’s a cliche for a reason. When we say “give me some time”, we’re not trying to trick you. We’re not asking for time so we can forget you and hook up with everyone we see on the way to work in the morning. That is how we process things. We need time. We don’t make snap decisions that ruin everybody’s life like you. And it has to be more okay that we don’t than that you do.
So, women, if you want your man back, give him some time. Let him figure his shit out, and you go figure out yours. Try to be a civil, respectful human being, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be rewarded. And men? If a woman should actually accomplish this, give them a chance. The only way to instill good behavior is to reward it. So, when you’re ready, take them out for dinner, or a drink. See if you can still stand their face. THEN make a decision.
