I’m a PC. I hate that term, but it’s accurate and catchy. I’ve used a PC all my life. I used PCs back when they were called ‘IBM Compatibles.’ I learned how to use a computer with DOS. I lost my online porn virginity to a PC. I was the one guy in film school editing footage on a PC. And I think we can now definitively agree that John Hodgman is way cooler and funnier than Justin Long.
I do not think this ad means what you think it means.
So when I say that that hipsters love Apple, and Apple loves hipsters, I mean that as an insult to both groups. While I admit I begrudgingly own an iPod (it was a hand me down from my mother that barely works, ’cause nobody else makes mp3 players anymore), hipsters will buy anything Apple releases at the blink of an eye. It’s a disgusting symbiotic relationship that benefits both parties, and anything that’s good for hipsters or Apple is bad for the rest of us.
Let’s start with a brief history lesson. Apple was formed on April 1st, 1976. Twenty years later, Steve Jobs woke up from a two decade drug stupor only to find that the world had changed completely and his company wasn’t doing all that well. He looked at Microsoft and saw a chink in their armor. A lack of color. Two years later, in an attempt to capitalize on it, the iMac came out.
Look at the pretty colors! LOOK AT THEM! – Steve Jobs
Rarely in history can you identify the exact moment that everything changed. The assassination of Franz Ferdinand started the First World War. The signing of the Declaration of Independence started the American Revolution. And the release of the iMac started the still ongoing war between Steve Jobs and consumer’s wallets. And we’ve had a lot more casualties.
Hipsters, as we all know, have no common sense, and love spending more money than they have to, especially on something colorful. They fell for Jobs’ trap so hard they forgot what a computer was supposed to be. You see, the iMac was the first step on Apple’s road from being proper computers to becoming consumer devices. Watered down semi-functional but usable machines that cost way more than they should. Why? Because we keep paying it.
Why don’t you want me around anymore?
Ever since then, association with Macs are a quick and easy way to identify a hipster. In fact, have you ever been to an Apple store? Every single employee is a hipster. And there are dozens of them, all over the place. I walked in the other day to get my parking validated, and counted north of thirty five hipster employees working there in the fifteen seconds I was there. How does Apple pay all of them? How is it even helpful to have that many employees? I’m convinced that there’s one paid manager, and everybody else was just convinced to put on a name-tag and stick around when they came in to pick up their sixth iPhone.
But we all know why Apple loves hipsters. It’s the boatloads of their parent’s cash that they deposit neatly at their nearest Apple distributor. But why do hipsters love Apple? It’s simple. No, I mean, Apples are simple to use, and hipsters are simple people. That’s the first thing. The second thing is that hipsters, like Thai monkeys, will get their grubby hands on anything shiny. The third and most important element of this is Apple’s evil genius level marketing campaigns.
DUN dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
For a group of people who seem to object so deeply to mainstream advertising, I find it strange how often they are sucked in by it. American Apparel clearly aims it’s ads straight towards hipsters and pedophiles, which are surprisingly similar targets. Etsy and Threadless are creative ideas, but only exist to relieve hipsters of wads of cash. Whenever I get dragged into Urban Outfitters, every item is a joke I would make about things hipsters like. But they eat it up. It’s a culture that thrives on the lowest common denominator, but still manages to shock me with how low it can go.
And Apple’s marketing team beats them all. Steve Jobs, after coming out of his two decade spirit journey, only wears black turtlenecks and talks about just being pretty cool all the time. They release new products regularly, each with their own stark background and ‘hipster anthem of the moment’ ad. Suddenly, a line of bad cardigans and worse hats form around every Apple store in the world. Again. You guys talk so much shit about the corporate establishment, I only assumed you’d actually see it when it pulls down its pants and smacks you in the face.
In your face, Corporate America! Wait…
So there’s the conclusion. Apple gets tons of money, hipsters get pseudo-computers, and I write this on my PC from Toshiba that was a hand-me-down from my grandmother. Oh, did you think I had nothing against PC’s? No, I have issues with nearly everything, and I refuse to spend my money on something I don’t completely believe in. Which means I buy food, and like five other things. It’s actually a crippling psychological disorder. But at least I’m not a hipster.
