The greatest war of all is that between a man and a woman. Unfortunately it seems to be a war that we men can never win, as any guy who has been through a difficult break-up can attest to. No matter how hard we try, we can just never seem to cut that emotional cord with a girl without resorting to unchivalrous tactics that our mothers would shake their heads at.
So how do you prove you’re over your ex without becoming embroiled in a heated conflict? Don’t worry; I’m here for you.
DON’T go on the rebound
One schoolboy error frequently made during a bad break-up is the rebound. While in theory jumping straight from your ex to another girl is the perfect way to give her the metaphorical middle finger, in actuality it’s a sad display of immaturity on your part and will only make those around you pity you. Unless, of course, the girl you’re now with is exceptionally hotter than your ex, an impressive feat which is known as the ‘good rebound’. Unfortunately the good rebound is difficult to obtain, as the only girls likely to find you attractive while you’re slumped across the bar wallowing in self-pity are both deaf and blind.
The best thing for you to do would be to gradually reacquaint yourself with single life until you’re ready to make another commitment. Failing that you could just sleep with a load of fat girls, the male equivalent to eating a bucket of cookie dough ice-cream and watching Bridget Jones’ Diary.
Be relentlessly nice when talking about her
It’s difficult to come out the other end of a break-up without feeling intense animosity towards your ex, but even though deep down inside you may want to stand on her porch and create a bonfire of all the photographs you took of her, it’d be more noble of you to keep a lid on the crazy and instead act in a civilised manner when discussing her.
To prove my point, here are two alternate conversations you could potentially have with your friends when they ask of your recent split;
Your friend: So I heard you split up with (insert ex-girlfriend’s name here). Tough break, dude.
You: Yes, we hadn’t been seeing eye-to-eye for a while so she suggested we call it off. She’s a wonderful girl, though, and I still have the utmost respect for her.
Or alternatively;
Your friend: So I heard you split up with (insert ex-girlfriend’s name here). Tough break, dude.
You: GOOD RIDDANCE TO THAT FAT F*****G BITCH.
Now you tell me which of these sounds like a guy who’s ‘over her’?
Pretend that you have forgotten her
Now this one’s a cheap shot and should only really be used if your ex is a cold-hearted ice-queen. After you’ve broken up, try your damnedest to refrain from picking up that phone within the next couple of days and ringing her to “just see how she is”. I know that it seems almost impossible to accomplish, but it is absolutely essential that after breaking up with her you aren’t the one to make first contact.
The longest time you’ll potentially be waiting for her to call you is 3 weeks, and when she does eventually pick up the phone you’ll want to appear as aloof as possible. Answer with a “who is this?” and listen to her falter as she contemplates the notion that you may have completely forgotten that she ever existed. Top it off by telling her that you’ve recently purchased a new cell and mustn’t have added her number into your phonebook. It’s the break-up equivalent of the double-tap.
Use Facebook wisely
When most couples split up they remove each other as friends from Facebook. This is a completely wasted opportunity. During your relationship, your tagged photo’s presumably mostly included snapshots of you and her indulging in the usual romantic pleasantries, such as going out for meals in nice restaurants and taking the occasional stroll along the beach. Now that you’re single, however, you’ll want them to portray a lifestyle of endless debauchery including but not limited to bondage, the consumption of Class A drugs and mild forays into homosexuality.
That photo of her sipping on a Frappuccino in Starbucks with that boy you could always tell she liked will pale in comparison to your mighty collection of NSFW images. Sure, leading such a reckless lifestyle may eventually lead to liver failure and an emotional breakdown, but it’ll all be worth it when she eventually leaves you a wall post asking you how you’ve been. Trust me; you’ll have her in the palm of your hand…
Photo Courtesy of: Owen Beiny / WENN.com
