Ah, Memorial Day. It’s the springtime holiday that’s meant to honor fallen members of the armed forces but that most of us actually spend overeating meat, pounding too many beers, and soaking up the sun with our pale guts hanging out. It’s also the unofficial start of summer (read: swimsuit season), so that’s something to get excited about (as long as we’re not the ones wearing the swimsuits). A Memorial Day BBQ is practically mandatory for dudes on this annual Monday off, and we’re looking forward to firing up the grill and getting our eat and drink on just like the rest of you.
But before we partake in this nationally recognized day of gluttony and sloth, we have to warn you: shit is going to go down. Whether that’s a fistfight between former friends or an unintended grease fire, there are so many precarious elements to Memorial Day that it’s a veritable powder keg of mishaps about to happen.
That’s why we wanted to prepare you by pre-empting your holiday with a list of 10 things guaranteed to go wrong at your Memorial Day BBQ.
Read ’em and do your best to stop these problems before they start. Just don’t expect anything to go smoothly. It never does when you get too many guys together around a fire, booze, and beef.
Cover Photo: Nadasaki (Getty Images)
Memorial Day Disasters
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Shrinkflation Will Force You to Downsize
Damn, food got expensive! (Thanks, Biden.) This year’s spread is going to be substantially less impressive than years past. Will anyone notice if you swap out beef for turkey burgers? You better hope not.
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Your Brother Won’t Bring Anything (Except His Appetite)
He’s the definition of a mooch and once again, he’ll show up empty-handed yet will eat and drink everything in sight.
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BBQ Enthusiasts Won’t Stop Pestering You at the Grill
Leave a man and his meat alone!
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Somebody Will Catch on Fire
Lighter fluid and drunk people don’t mix. Stand back from the grill!
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A Bro Will Make an Obscene Wiener Joke
And it won’t even be funny. Be proactive and uninvite him for next year.
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The Meat Will Be Overcooked
This is what happens when dudes try to multitask. Are you manning the grill or watching TikTok videos? Pick one.
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You’ll Get Caught in the Crossfire of Corn on the Cob
They really should have a splash guard for this.
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Your Guests Will Get Food Poisoning
All those foods sitting out in the sun are petri dishes for bacteria. Let’s just hope the telltale symptoms of food poisoning don’t hit until your guests get home.
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Someone Will Bust a Move You’ll Never Be Able to Un-See
Let’s hope it’s not your dad. Pick your playlist carefully, gentlemen.
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You'll Catch Covid
Big gathering + no masks + messy food = you’re getting Covid whether you like it or not.
