The past few years really have us believing that the Mayans were right about 2012 and we all died, resulting in us all living some sort of collective reality or simulation together. Ever since first making its way to our shores in the spring of 2020, Covid has now taken a million American lives and proved our society is even worse than it was before a deadly plague.
And even though coronavirus is not nearly the threat it was in 2020 and 2021, given all the mass vaccinations and treatments available, it’s still a lingering threat and not going away anytime soon. So don’t just go licking random strangers’ faces just yet.
But life has mostly gotten back to normal as we return to our pre-pandemic crappy lives and jobs. Even if the days of lockdowns, stimulation checks, and staying at home all day are in the past, the virus is still very much living with us. Think of it as a horrible ex-spouse; even if the insidious thing is gone, there’s still the threat of it returning and causing more damage.
While it would seem Covid is an equal-opportunity virus, we’re convinced there are some places that not even it would go. Here are eight of ’em.
Cover Photo: Gary Miller / Contributor (Getty Images)
8 places covid wont go
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1. Nickelback Concert
One of the biggest drawbacks of coronavirus and all of the social distancing measures was the inability to attend your favorite concerts. Well, one has to believe that a Nickelback concert is totally safe since why would a cool and popular virus like "the 'Rona" ever want to be seen there?
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2. Scottish Pay Toilet
Yes, pay toilets actually exist. Scotland, for example, has them and charges 30 pence charge per usage (or more if doing a massive No. 2). And since most of us have seen Trainspotting and will never forget that gloriously foul toilet, there's no way even coronavirus would go there.
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3. Ted Cruz's Bed
While it's difficult to imagine that anything could share the same bed with Senator Ted Cruz, it's even harder to imagine anyone doing anything with him in it. Lizard fetish, perhaps? Anyway, not even coronavirus wants anything to do with a sleeping Ted Cruz.
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4. Putin's House
Sure, coronavirus may have taken millions of lives worldwide, shut down the global economy, and has now resulted in insane inflation and an impending recession. However, not even this vicious virus is evil enough to want anything to do with Russian President Vladimir Putin following his horrific invasion of Ukraine.
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5. Theater Showing 'Morbius'
If there's anything Americans can agree on right now, it's that Jared Leto's Morbius was hot garbage. So if you're a fatal and contagious plague looking to take off as many people as possible, you'd want to be in a theater showing something amazing like the new Jurassic Park movie instead.
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6. 'Jersey Shore' Cast
As if New Jersey doesn't have enough stupid stereotypes to fight, we once had to deal with a group of orange human douches known as the Jersey Shore cast. So it seems herpes is something more willing to hang out with this crew, not so much coronavirus.
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7. Chuck Norris' Beard
While vaccines are really the only thing to combat "the 'Rona," we tend to think that Chuck Norris' beard is tough enough to kick Covid's ass. So it would make sense for the virus to stay far away from Chuck and his beard.
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8. Hot Dog Factory
With summer fast approaching, that means a time for backyard cookouts. But while most Americans love shoving these pig lips and anuses down their gullets, they might think otherwise if they knew how they were made. That said, there's just no way coronavirus wants to see what's going on in a hot dog factory.
