10 Clever Alternative Uses For Seized Russian Oligarch Superyachts

With new sanctions hitting Russia on a daily basis, and Putin’s inner circle bearing the brunt of those economic bitch slaps, countries around the world are seizing personal property (homes, planes, yachts, cars, mistresses) of filthy rich oligarchs at a fever pace. Among these seizures is an abundance of superyachts—vessels akin to (not-so) miniature cruise ships. And because it costs serious coin to maintain superyachts dockside, the powers-that-be are coming up with clever alternative uses, putting the superyachts to work to recoup their expenditures. Here are our top 10 favorite uses:

10. Museum of Intolerance

Celebrating despots, dictators, madmen, and bullies, the museum will display items taken from innumerable personal memorabilia collections dedicated to human suffering. And don’t forget to check out the Museum of Wretched Excess, just a short tender ride away, where Donald Trump’s gold-plated toilet from Trump Tower will be showcased.

9. Nancy Pelosi’s Weekend “Slumming it” Digs

With her Pacific Coast beach house in the middle of renovations, Nancy has nowhere suitable to spend her weekend—until now. The first member of Congress to “take one for the team,” Pelosi’s only has two stipulations: the US government pays for shipping, and it comes stocked with toilet paper (Charmin Ultra Soft if you’re curious; apparently, only the finest TP for Nancy’s delicate bum).

8. The Michael Vick Luxury Dog Retreat

Vick will be on clean-up duty, preferably for eternity. Or better yet, maybe some angry pit bulls will maul him and create a lovely biological art installation for all the canines to enjoy.

7. The If-You-Wanna-Be-a-Celebrity-Who’s-Famous-For-Being-Famous Sex Tape Studio

Considering its many rooms and layouts, each with a different look and vibe, superyachts are the perfect destination for those looking to jumpstart their social media exposure with a sex tape. You can pay by the minute ($1,000 per), or be a real player and rent the whole damn boat for $100,000 per day. But when you consider Kim K. is now a billionaire, a hundo is quite the bargain.

6. High-Profile Homeless Housing

In an effort to prove his approach to solving the homeless crisis is the best—by treating them like freakin’ rockstars and catering to their every whim—California Governor Gavin Newsom has requested not one, not two, but three seized superyachts, and plans on placing them all in Los Angeles County. Accommodations will be doled out at his discretion, undoubtedly to the vagrants who have the best stories or look the best on camera. It’s L.A., what do you expect? Worth mentioning: the mayor of Portland also wants a few luxury boats for his unhoused peeps.

5. Robert DeNiro’s 11th Home

During the COVID lockdown, there was big noise (that sounded like a whine) coming from Robert DeNiro’s camp about how his inability to work was cramping his lifestyle in a major way. Apparently, that financial hardship has carried over to the present and now he might be forced to sell off one of his many homes. Heaven forbid Bobby D should have any hardship come his way, one of the seized ships will be ferried to a marina of his choice post-haste.

4. “Starched” White Collar Prison

Basically, home confinement for felonious billionaires, guys like Bernie Madoff (may he rest in pieces) are too soft for even the cushiest country club-style prison. But don’t worry, they’ll take up residence on superyachts. To keep it from feeling like a reward for bad behavior, they’ll just take away the maid and butler service, and never heat the jacuzzi above 70 degrees!

3. The Ultimate Rage Room

When you really wanna obliterate something expensive, this experience will not disappoint. Feel like smashing a porcelain bidet with a sledgehammer? What about carving up a Picasso with a paring knife? Or better yet, use Elon Musk’s “not a flamethrower” personal arson device on an ostrich skin couch. That’ll definitely leave a mark!

2. Pets of the Rich and Famous Petting Zoo

Each area of the yacht is a homage to a different celebrity—and their exotic pet. Fabio’s green tree boa in the steam room, Tommy Lee’s red-legged tarantula in the pantry, Floyd Mayweather’s nurse sharks in the pool, and Mike Tyson’s white tiger in the main salon… Those are just a sample of what you’ll find, and you’re welcome to pet all of them, as long as you sign a waiver!

1. Truth or Dare: Jersey Shore Edition

Superyachts will be moored off the coast of New Jersey and the cast of Jersey Shore will be reunited for a special two-hour live broadcast. Everyone will receive a folder, detailing their individual “truth or dare.” Those tasked with a truth must confess something they’ve never told anyone. Liars will be water-boarded. Those receiving a dare order must do exactly as instructed. Could be a hook-up, writing a bum check, or maybe just getting drunk and beating up your spouse or significant other. Rest assured, it won’t be anything they haven’t done before!