Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Florida) is basically a useless bag of hair and forehead who may go to prison to prison for sex trafficking, but he spends his time concocting conspiracies to “own the libs” so it’s totally cool. Perhaps only Ted Cruz supersedes this shit weasel in the creepiness and lizard-like department.
For example, prosecutors are reportedly investigating whether Gaetz had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old and paid for her travel. They’re also looking into payments he and a close associate made to young adult women he had relationships with. You know, because it’s not like any female of any age would ever willfully have sex with this creepo without money being involved.
Aside from the obviousness of being a sexual predator, Gaetz is basically a MAGA sycophant who has perpetuated all the outrageous 2020 election lies, claimed the Jan. 6 Capitol rioters were actually members of Antifa, fought against all Covid-19 measures and downplayed the pandemic, and probably a whole host of other horrible things we can’t quite remember.
Clearly, Matt Gaetz is totally unfit for office and democracy should impose a restraining order against him. That’s why we decided to come up with a helpful guide of occupations Matt Gaetz is better suited for.
Cover Photo: Kevin Dietsch (Getty Images)
5 Occupations Matt Gaetz Might Be Better Suited For
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1. Ice Cream Salesman
Okay, this one almost seems too obvious. Besides the fact that Gaetz appears to like to creeping on teenage girls, he just looks like the perfect schmuck to don the little cap.
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2. Golf Caddy
Considering Gaetz simps for Donald Trump and is a smarmy sycophant, what better gig for him than sucking up to the Trumps of the world on the golf course?
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3. Crooked Financial Advisor
While it's hard to think of Matt Gaetz ever getting this far in life, you can't help but imagine him milking some old retirees out of their life savings.
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4. Clown
Now, this may seem a bit redundant when you consider Gaetz is pretty much a full-time clown in Congress. However, his creepiness factor and ginormous head and stupid hair gives him the perfect clown look to frighten kids at birthday parties.
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5. Chub Scrubber
OK, we will readily admit that this is pretty gauche and most likely not a job you'll find advertised on Indeed or Linkedin. But you can't tell us that Gaetz isn't the toady scumbag that would willfully do a gig like this. He pretty much already does this for former President Trump on the daily so might as well make it into a living.
