Sharpie Shortage Creates Panic Over Dick Drawing Drought on Sleeping Friend’s Face

While new moms and dads are busy panicking over the baby formula shortage, a large portion of Americans is unaware of another struggle ahead — the return of Sharpiegate. Only this time it involves a lack of Sharpie, mostly on the faces of your sleeping friends.

Obviously, the ability to keep a child alive and healthy is worth a few headlines, but the predicted number of sleeping drunk friends who may soon go without dicks drawn on their faces could potentially be the next pandemic we are faced with.

“I’ve just been so depressed having to look at a sleeping frat brother and not being able to draw a massive flaccid penis on his face,” one man told Mandatory.

Indeed, there’s nothing more satisfying (and totally normal) than taking advantage of someone who routinely bears their soul and trusts you with their life. The dick drawing community has, for decades now, been a reliable pillar of entertainment where there is little else to do, other than drink yourself into a stupor and ironically become a dick-drawing victim yourself.

Experts who have tried to shed some light on this phenomenon are said to be more likely to get high-resolution pictures of said dicks. In the past, the light has been too bright and oftentimes awakened the sleeping person mid-dick drawing.

“What you want to do is start with the head of the penis. That way, if they wake up too soon, you have at least made your point,” one expert dick illustrator weighed in.

While the shortage of dicks on faces has been slowed by the pandemic, many students and young adults working from home have relied on the dick drawing reserve spread across the internet. But the drought that has been slowly building since spring of 2020 has now reached severe levels, wherein scientists are suggesting people view no more than one dick per day in fear of the reserve running too low.

“I first started drawing dicks on my sleeping friends when I was 17. I’m now 50,” a reputed penis drawing expert told Mandatory. “Now that I have a wife and kids, I don’t do it as much, just on their birthdays and major holidays. My wife really throws a fit when I use the extra-permanent illegal markers I smuggled in from Mexico.”

Researchers have suggested alternatives to the Sharpie marker for folks without access to markers who are forced to get creative. In a time where humans, mostly people on TikTok, have nothing better to do than get creative with things unimportant, there will likely be a solution and ensuing challenge long before the Sharpie shortage is solved.

In the meantime, the company apologizes and recommends drawing smaller dicks to save marker supply while they continue to press Biden to release his backup reserve, which we all know he’s hoarding, and to continue breathing in your markers long past their tip’s expiration.

Cover Photo: Touchstone Pictures