Photo: DNY59 (Getty Images)
Spring is in full swing and that means one thing: Cinco de Mayo is finally here. In our opinion, the boozy, Mexican-based holiday is the unofficial end of gross, rainy spring, and the beginning of bright, warm, sunny spring. Early May, regardless of where you live, is the time of year when everything seems to be in bloom and the grass (if you have any) is starting to have a vibrant, emerald hue. It’s a great time to spend a day outdoors, taking in the sun and drinking Mexican beers, glasses (and shots) of tequila and mezcal, and any number of margaritas, palomas, and other tequila-based cocktails.
The problem with any alcohol-centered holiday (like St. Patrick’s Day) is that, if you have a few too many wobbly pops or shots of mezcal, the day can get away from you quickly. But, regardless of your planning, a few undesirable things are bound to happen. That’s why we decided to make an honest timeline of how your Cinco de Mayo is going to go so you’re at least prepared for the inevitable.
Honest Timeline Cinco
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8 AM: You hop out of bed, ready for the great Cinco de Mayo ever.
Like with any marathon drinking day, you start ready to enjoy the day. It’s going to be the best Cinco de Mayo ever, all of your friends will get along, there will be no fights, you won’t get too drunk and you definitely won’t wake up with a hangover tomorrow.
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9 AM: You start with a breakfast beer.
If you took the day off of work (or you work from home), good for you, you’re a real drunken holiday veteran. Since it’s a holiday, you’ll probably have a Corona Extra or Dos Equis for breakfast. You might even pour it into your cereal. Why not, it’s sort of a vacation, right? Who needs milk anyway? Your bones aren’t growing any more anyway.
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10 AM: You quickly realize you forgot to buy some things.
You didn’t buy enough beer, you didn’t buy anything to mix the tequila with, you have no ice, and (potentially most importantly), you didn’t buy any food besides cereal with line your belly with. You need to go to the store. Also, there’s no toilet paper.
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11 AM: You wait around for your friends.
Since your friends also took the day (and potentially tomorrow) off of work to celebrate a holiday that literally has nothing to do with them, they slept in and haven’t arrived yet. You think about doing some work, but you already drank five beers and that’s definitely not a good idea.
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Noon: Your friends don’t bring anything.
You expected your friends to bring some beer, tequila, and food, but none of the brought anything. This is because they assume you’re going right to a bar to drink never-ending margaritas and dollar tacos. Also, literally every one of them needs to stop at an ATM.
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1 PM: You head to a bar and can’t get in.
The first bar you try to go to isn’t even open because, even though this is the most important holiday to you, the workers at Sol of Mexico don’t think it’s important to open early for. You end up settling for a dive bar that not only has nothing to do with Mexican culture, but doesn’t even serve margaritas.
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2 PM: You finally get to a Mexican restaurant.
By the time you finally find an open Mexican restaurant, you and your friends have had a few too many beers and you’re a little rowdier than the lunch crowd they’re expecting. Also, they really don’t appreciate your comically-large sombreros on a Thursday afternoon.
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8 PM: You time travel and spend all of your money.
If you don’t fall asleep in your booth, you end up spending all of your money on tacos and beers and buying random girls shots who definitely aren’t going home with you. Somehow, even though you can barely stand, it’s already time to call an Uber to go home.
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10 PM: You go to bed wishing you had just gone to work instead.
You’re drunk, alone, and hungry and realize that you have a lot of work to do. You wish you just didn’t take a day off to celebrate a drinking holiday on a random Thursday and worked instead. Also, you realize you forgot to take Friday off and you’ll have to work with a horrible hangover tomorrow.
