The Mandatory Don Jr. Hunting Handbook For Beginners

Donald Trump Jr. is a prolific hunter, or so he not-so-humble brags on a disgustingly perpetual basis. And thank you for that, Donny—we all love hearing about your chest-beating exploits killing Bambi, Thumper, and every other example of our planet’s amazing creatures. Because Don Jr. is such an expert at the taking, taxidermy-ing, and mounting of defenseless life, we wanted to share his vast knowledge with the masses, the majority of which are less than astute when it comes to blowing away cuddly critters.

These tips were taken directly from Don Jr.’s personal hunting journal, an autographed copy of which brother Eric keeps under his pillow.

Petting Zoos = Captive Audience

According to Don. Jr., petting zoos are a great place for novice hunters to hone their skills. The targets are literally a “captive audience” (cages and fences will do that) and most, if not all, have little to no fear of humans because, well, it’s a freakin’ petting zoo! So you can walk right up to llamas and goats and turkeys and just about everything else with fur or feathers and pull the trigger.

Mascots Are Fair Game

Yes, there are actual human beings beneath those costumes, but, as Don Jr. is quick to point out, “they’re all losers whose only hope of joining in on the glory athletes strive to achieve is by putting on stupid outfits and acting like idiots.” Shooting them is actually a public service, and since there are no hunting licenses or trophy fees associated with the taking of mascots, it’s also a real bargain.

Overkill Is Cool – Use Enough Gun

Big guns use big bullets. And big bullets make big holes. True, big guns also have big recoil, but hunting is for real men (or real women) — at least, according to Don Jr., it is — so if you can’t take a little punishment, stick to fishing! Besides, it’s not like he cares about preserving the meat—Little Don isn’t hunting for the pot—so if you’ve got a Howitzer or an RPG in your gun cabinet, lock ‘n load!

Chipmunks and Field Mice Make Great Trophies, Too

Not everyone is a billionaire like Don Jr.’s daddy (is he really?), so affording mega-buck African safaris isn’t in the cards for most hunters. But that’s okay, because chipmunks and field mice can also be taxidermied to your heart’s content and, the best part, they don’t take up a lot of wall space!

Elephants Are Easy Targets

Don’t worry if your marksmanship sucks—elephants are huge, have trouble hiding and, if you have a can of spray paint handy, you can mark a bullseye on their side to better your chances of hitting them; red or white paint offers the best contrast against their gray skin tone. Maybe even strike a deal with Target and have them sponsor you. Bonus hunting tip: Instead of traveling all the way to Africa or India, you can usually find elephants at the local zoo.

Great Idea For Last-Minute Hunting Trips: The Local Dog Park

Not every great hunting trip requires extensive planning—or even proper permits as it turns out, since Donny bagged a protected sheep some years ago and only got a slap on the wrist. But when the desire to go out and kill something arises and Daddy’s jet is unavailable (or out of fuel and all your credit cards are maxed), making a long trip to the “happy hunting grounds” impossible, the local dog park usually has a wide variety of targets to choose from. Bonus hunting tip: Chihuahuas are really small and very quick—to hit them, you have to lead them more than you would a Cocker Spaniel or a French Poodle.

Make Sure Your Camo Matches the Surroundings

The old standby green and brown woodland camouflage only works if you’re hunting in an area with that color foliage. Since Don Jr. has voiced disdain for many members of the Democratic party via his social media platforms (ill-fated posts as they usually end up being), it stands to reason that some of the, um, “hunting excursions” he talks about will not be in the forest or jungle, but in far more urban settings. For these adventures, “Lil D” highly recommends khakis (overpriced, purchased via Amazon for their free return policy) and a shirt that makes him look like a rugged outdoorsman (to match the beard), even though we all know full well he has someone set up his glampsite.

Cover Photo: Instagram