Speaking From Experience: All the Things You Should Never Sell on Craigslist

Big Brother is watching—has been for a long, long time. But more so now than ever. Think we’re lying? Try this little experiment and see how you fare. Select any of the following items and post it for sale on Craigslist. But make sure you have a competent attorney on standby, along with enough bail money to spring you out of jail, because dollars to donuts, the police (and quite possibly one or more three-letter government agencies) will come a-knocking. You’ve been warned!

Yellowcake

Let’s be clear, we are not referring to a Betty Crocker cake mix. No, we’re talking about concentrated uranium powder commonly used to make so-called “dirty bombs,” along with a host of other nasty devices we’re nowhere near smart enough to build. How you got hold of this stuff in the first place begs an even bigger (and a helluva lot more troubling) question than why you’d choose to sell it on Craigslist. But that’s on you. We’d simply recommend against it.

Assault Rifles

Cool your jets, Republican right—we’re not trying to trample the 2nd Amendment. But considering the rash of gun violence that besieges this country on a daily basis, are assault rifles really needed at all? From a hunting standpoint, have things gotten so bad in the woods that orange vests are being swapped out for body armor? We haven’t noticed deer running around with sniper rifles and hand grenades, but then again, we’re content to satisfy our meat cravings at Fatburger. Long story short, if you really want to sell your AR15 or AK47, go to a licensed gun dealer—don’t post it on CL.

Children

Human trafficking is despicable, no matter how you slice it. But the selling of children, for any purpose, deserves a special place in Hell—cleaning Satan’s commode for all eternity would be our choice. And before you start citing Groupon, or tout 2-for-1 specials, let’s just nip this in the bud right quick: kids don’t belong on Craigslist at any price – not even that little prick of a neighbor who’s constantly teasing your dog or throwing rocks at your windows!

Stolen Merchandise

Amazingly, this happens constantly. Your car or storage locker gets ransacked, and literally the next day the items the thieves absconded with are listed for sale, usually with pictures. Admittedly, some items are so generic it’d be hard to tell yours apart from another. But in cases where there are unique markings (or serial numbers), um, yeah, by listing the “hot stuff,” you’re just calling attention to your stupidity. Then again, if you’re dumb enough to post something for sale that you stole, please continue with that tactic. Your ass needs to be locked up!

Sexual Favors

This one’s a head-scratcher for sure because there was a time when pay-for-play “companions” would actually post their services and availability, often under an oh-so-misleading (yeah, right!) “massage” tab. Trust us on this one, the cops were hip to these listings from the jump and many women and men soon found themselves standing before a magistrate, defending charges of solicitation. So while we applaud your desire to hustle (as in “earn money,” not “sell your body”), we encourage you to go about it in a different manner—a manner that’s, dare we say it, legal.

Drugs

Now that marijuana is legal in virtually half the country, and a multitude of delivery services will bring your edibles/flower/CBD oil/any other “Mary Jane” derivative right to your door, those seeking a legit “Woodstock experience” don’t have to work too hard to get it. But people, c’mon, CL posts for pot—or any “drug” that hasn’t gotten the A-okay from Uncle Sam—is just not a thing. Not yet. Maybe it will become one in the near future. Seems like that’s usually the case when taxation enters the mix, but until then, we strongly advise you to refrain from listing Peruvian Snow, zoom shrooms, horse, ‘ludes, or any and all forms of doobage.

Endangered Species

Komodo Dragons, Filipino Pit Vipers, Galapagos Giant Tortoises, Amazonian Pink Dolphins, Gila Monsters, Siberian Tigers, Three-Toed Sloth…you get where we’re goin’ with this? It’s bad enough that people actually try to smuggle these things into the country. Hell, just last week a man was caught at the airport with 165 exotic lizards stuffed down his pants. Either the lizards were really tiny or he has a “Size doesn’t matter” slogan on his undies. Any-hoo, if it’s not a typical household pet (cat, dog, canary, bunny, hamster, Guinea pig, etc.), please don’t try to peddle it.

Illegal Immigrants

Forget what’s happening at our Southern Border. Don’t add fuel to Tucker Carlson’s burning-out-of-control wildfire. Trying to cash in on the crisis by rounding up the undocumented and listing them for sale won’t help the situation, although you’ll definitely get a thumbs-up and an atta-boy/atta-girl from the Republican right. Still on the fence (pun intended)? See “Human Trafficking” above.

Booze

BevMo, Total Wine, the local liquor store… All these venues are legally licensed to sell alcohol. You, on the other hand, are most likely not. Yes, we get that your Costco-hoarding Aunt Fanny recently passed away and left you 100-odd bottles of assorted wine and liquor, and you have no desire to die from cirrhosis of the liver any time soon. Good on you. But that doesn’t give you the right to post it on CL, and sell it to every underage teen who’s stocking up for the prom. Bad idea!

Cover Photo: Ranta Images (Getty Images)