You might not know it from his face, but Ted Cruz is a looker. Ignore the fact that he appears to be storing bagel bites in his cheeks at all times or the rumor that his mouth may have been special-ordered from Suckhole Aficionados Weekly. Ted brings all the beavers to the yard. Because undoubtedly, even though he constantly looks like he’s thinking about how hotdogs are made, there’s something about him that’s irresistible.
Bingo: His hairdo.
From the wavy side part to the slightly less wavy side part, Cruz has been winning the hair game since he took office in 2012. Seriously, the man has never had a bad hair day in his life. But those luscious locks don’t style themselves. It takes a rigorous lifestyle routine to perform hair magic like this.
Luckily, we have all the forbidden secrets of Ted’s personal hair care regimen right here. But before we run our fingers through this one, you better get the broom out cuz panties are about to drop.
Cover Photo: Alex Wroblewski (Getty Images)
Ted Cruz Hairstyle Guide
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Wishing Away The Bad Hair Demons
It all starts first thing in the morning with a wake-up routine of wishing the bad hair demons away. Next, a leave-in conditioner is applied before Heidi Sharpies in a salt-and-pepper pattern. Then Ted finishes off with a homemade pomade equal parts engine grease and dead bugs.
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Protein-Rich Breakfast
After combing everything over with a custom brush made of real ivory, Ted sits down for his favorite meal of the day. It's the only people food he's allowed to eat before his rigid diet kicks in.
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Strict Diet Of Bullshit
Ted takes what goes in (and out) of his mouth very seriously. And there's something about an endless stream of bullshit that strengthens the keratin bonds in each hair follicle.
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Twirling For Freedom
Yes, twirling for freedom helps activate the scalp while letting the greased-up strands fall as naturally as possible. Ted religiously twirls three times a day at the office. (Six on Mondays.)
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Marathon Onanism
Monday through Friday, Ted takes an extended lunch break to bash the bishop in the privacy of the public restroom at his local Subway restaurant. He's vigorously worked this passion project into his haircare routine in order to boost the collagen production in his mane. Just ask his mom.
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Close Encounters With Other Hair Gods
Ted often recites his favorite Bible verse: Thou whoso breatheth the breath of greater hair gods shall reapeth the fortunes of manly fleece.
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Group Hugs
The more awkward the better. This draws blood away from his penis and directly into his scalp.
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Frequent Trips To Cancun
Long-term care is vital to hair health which is why nothing can keep Ted away from his regimen of saltwater and sunshine. Not even a state disaster.
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Machine Gun Bacon Grease
After a long day ignoring phone calls, hair can become overstressed. That's why ten minutes of machine gun bacon grease rubbed directly into the scalp every evening while bathing in the milk of Canadian geese is Ted's preferred method of follicle rehydration.
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The Disappointment Of His Father
Finally, we come to the root of it all. Without the critical ingredient of a father's disappointment and loathing, Ted wouldn't be able to sleep at night. And as we all know, rest is the most important factor in cell repair. (Unfortunately, it cannot repair broken father-son relationships,)
