The next time your girlfriend gets pregnant while you’re out of town, don’t freak out. During this event, your first impulse will be to assume she got knocked up by the hot neighbor across the street. But slow your roll. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation: UFOs.
Obviously. Because as much as you want to believe in casual infidelity, alien babies are upon us. It’s time to accept reality: Aliens are horny, technologically advanced, and they want to get jiggy with Earth girls.
We know this now that a 1,500-page report has been released by a shadowy organization within the Department of Defense dubbed the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program. Despite the now-defunct program operating from 2007 to 2012, the public only learned of its existence in 2017. And only after former program director Luis Elizando resigned in the most Office Space way possible. By leaking a bunch of top-secret UFO videos on the interwebs.
When the footage went viral, people went ape for UFOs. In fact, the recent data dump was instigated by a British tabloid (go figure) using a FOIA request submitted in 2018. Four years later, the classified report has finally been released, and it’s out of this world. Contained within: Mind-blowing reports of alien abduction, acute electromagnetic burns, and psychological trauma from sightings. But most importantly, the saga of “unaccounted for pregnancy.”
While the veracity of eyewitness accounts isn’t verified in the report, we all know the truth is out there. Your girlfriend’s immaculate conception? Alien baby. Jesus Christ? Alien baby.
So next time you’re driving in your car and encounter a humanoid-shaped motorist behaving erratically, just assume he’s not an asshole. He’s probably just an alien baby struggling with gravity. Phew. What a relief.
Cover Photo: KTSDESIGN/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY (Getty Images)
Weird News 3.15.22
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