Stupid American: Ranking the 7 Worst Jobs When World War 3 Begins

Cover image: RUNSTUDIO (Getty)

With each passing day, World War 3 seems a little more and more inevitable, unless you’re lucky enough to believe in fairytales about competent leadership. When the bombs finally drop, and you put your head between your knees to kiss your ass goodbye, the only thing that will make it worse is if you have one of these worst jobs. So unearth your unused Y2K kits, keister your cigarette supply and bury the valuables, young fatalists, because unemployment is the least of your worries.

Here are the worst jobs nobody wants when it all goes down, and if you still do once it starts, god bless your helpless soul.

7. Kid’s Birthday Party Guest

It’s bad enough having to go to a kid’s birthday party, mostly because you don’t even know the little shit, let alone anyone else at these parties. What the hell happened to your life, and where are your friends? Where is everybody, really? I don’t even like kids, and that’s all I see. And why am I watching the world implode in this tiny kitchen with no fire escape!

6. That One Referee

The good news is there won’t be any sporting events in the radioactive Hellscape so you can retire, and by “retire” we mean run and hide. The bad news? Sports fans tend to be healthy survivors and they have longstanding memories of all your bad calls. Burn your uniform and grow a beard, then wear a smile that says, “I’ve never taken bribes at the expense of my family’s safety.”

5. Failed YouTube Un-Extraordinaire

With the Internet out, you’ve become acutely aware of just how unemployable you are, but you already knew that because your father won’t stop telling you. The amount of unmarketable skills is actually quite staggering considering the amount of time you’ve spent wasting our resources. Now might be a good time to jump on a grenade and save someone actually living as a human being out there, but could you please wash your hands first?

4. Any Lawyer Ever

Have you seen Cape Fear? When the jails are open and prisoners are freed, where do you think the first place is they’re going? A nice hot shower at home, alone, with Marvin Gaye on the radio and nothing but sunshine and a fresh summer freeze coming through the window. No, but seriously, they’re going to kill the guy they paid to keep them out of prison.

3. Russian Influencer

Again with the unmarketable skills, except now you’re unemployed and you’re Russian and everyone blames you. There’s a special sexy place for these people and it’s called TSA.

2. Certain Celebrity

Chris Rock coming for you, Will Smith.

1. Traffic Guard

You ever see Mad Max? It’s the wild west when shit hits the fan. Even just a regular day in India is absurd. Now multiple that by a few million horny, clueless millennials and you’ve got a fraction of an idea as to what trying to direct a panic-sticken horde of useless talent feels like. It’s probably like exploding diarrhea, it’s just going to happen.

There’s nothing you or I can do about it. Stay safe out there.