It’s been over two years since we first heard the word “coronavirus” and life changed dramatically for everyone (and for the worse, we’re afraid). We’ve all gone through various stages of Covid panic, from being afraid to leave the house when quarantine first began to happily shunning masks ever-so-briefly in the summers before new, more aggressive variants of the virus emerged.
Now we’re dealing with Omicron, the third incarnation of this damn disease that just won’t quit. As you go about your daily life, somewhere between pre-Covid carefree and lockdown-level-cautious, you probably find yourself overanalyzing health symptoms that emerge.
“Do I have coronavirus?” you’ve probably asked yourself more than once over the past 24 months. Depending on where you live, your vaccination status, and the precautions you take, the chances of the answer being “Yes” vary. But if you experience any of the following eight symptoms, rest assured, your health may be suffering, but what you’re experiencing is likely not Covid-related.
Disclaimer: We’re just comedy writers, not doctors, so don’t take anything we say as a substitute for a medical professional’s diagnosis.
Cover Photo: Khosrork (Getty Images)
symptoms
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A 5-Hour Erection
We should all be so lucky.
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Your Growing Bald Spot
That hair ain't comin' back, buddy.
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That Weird Mole
We don't know what the hell causes something like that.
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Your Third Nipple
It's estimated that around 200,000 Americans have one or more extra nipples. You're special, not sick.
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Tusk-Like Nose Hairs
Wax exists for exactly this reason.
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Your Gnarly Toenails
Pedicures aren't just for girls.
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Your Raging Commitment Issues
If anything, the pandemic should've taught you to hold on to anyone you have, even if they're the wrong one, just so you don't have to quarantine alone.
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A Bleeding Butthole
This one is actually quite concerning; get thee to a doctor, STAT.
