Are you ready for some footballfish? We know. That’s the catchiest slogan you’ve heard all year. But it’s not just good copy, it’s the totally true and bizarre story of a rare deep-sea fish that keeps showing up on California beaches. And while scientists are baffled, we’re pretty sure the gnarly creature from the depths of Davy Jones’ Locker is here for one reason: Post-season glory.
How can it not be? With the Packers squeaking out a win over the Browns, the Kansas City Chief’s defense dominating the field, and the Rams already besting their record from last year, these playoffs are shaping up to be the best the NFL has seen in years. No surprise then that animals are gathering from far and wide to catch the head-smashing action.
Get a load of this:
Footballfish are typically found at depths of 650 to 2,600 feet, said @Frable, but there is still much we don't know about these creatures. A different #footballfish was spotted at Black's Beach last month, but scientists weren't notified in time to collect it. pic.twitter.com/rI8Dqkzsi3
— Scripps Institution of Oceanography (@Scripps_Ocean) December 15, 2021
While scientists are floored at the opportunity to study these reclusive creatures, football fans are taking these sightings as an omen of who’ll win the Super Bowl this year. As of now, the inside chatter is that this monstrous angler (made famous in Pixar’s Finding Nemo), a blob-shaped creature with an extreme underbite who attaches itself to a female like a parasite wouldn’t stick out at a Bengals’ home game. And with quarterback Joe Burrows coming off a franchise-high 525 passing yard victory, Cincinnatti may just be the dark fish in this race.
However, with competition this fierce, fans are watching the waters of Southern California closely for any football forecast from the sea. If five more footballfish appear between now and February 13, it’s a surefire sign Tom Brady will win his eighth Super Bowl ring. But if any of them turn up in Santa Monica, it’s Ram country all the way.
Either way, we can’t wait to drink a 36-pack of Natty Light whilst eating a gallon of nacho cheese before passing out in the third quarter.
Cover Photo: Jose Luis Pelaez (Getty Images)
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