Meanwhile in Sperm Banks: Shortage Leads to Great New Purpose For Men Everywhere, Finally a Job That’s Fulfilling

Sperm is everywhere. In America alone, there are over 141 million men walking around each with an average of 100 million sperm cells ready to launch a moment’s notice. Pardon our Fench, but that’s a f*%kton of man milt. What’s more, over the course of a lifetime, your typical bro dude will unleash a massive 525 billion spunk buddies on recreational sex. So how is it that the world is experiencing an unprecedented sperm bank shortage?

According to experts in the semen trade, the shortage comes down to two things: The pandemic scaring off wankers, and a shifting landscape in expecting mothers, with single moms and same-sex couples now accounting for 60 percent of interested parties. As demand for good, clean semen has rapidly increased, donorship at traditional sperm banks has fallen by some 50 percent.

The result? Spunk has shot onto social media with the force of 10,000 firehouses to fill the void of the global sperm bank shortage. And the rise of Facebook donor sites and mobile apps has created a sticking point for sperm banks, which charge an average of $1,100 per vial of man juice, as many would-be mothers flock to the internet to take advantage of an open market that removes the middle man.

A perfect example of this trend is the rise of the so-called sperm kings, free agent donors who, because they work outside of FDA regulations and caps, have sired more babies than Genghis Khan’s brother. And since these gents (who can provide cheap DNA tests and selfies) willingly give away their sperm for free, banks are having trouble luring jizz givers in like before.

Long story short, sperm banks from Australia to northern Ontario are seeking donors to fill their spunk cups, and they’re willing to pay top dollar for that sweet, sweet nut nectar. So if you’re looking to change careers during an economic downturn, why not consider being an FDA-approved sperm hero? After all, your job counselor always told you to do what you love. This may just be the job you were born to do.

Cover Photo: telnyawka (Getty Images) 

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