Can you imagine a world where all penises were exactly the same? Life would be as boring and predictable as sex with an English monarch. Luckily, schlongs come in all shapes and sizes. In fact, some members of the animal kingdom have prehensile erections that can swivel and arc like a phallic Baryshnikov (how do dolphins get anything done?). So where does man stack up in the pecking order of bendy peckers?
Casually mentioned on Late Night with Seth Meyers as the reason Professor X spent his adult life in a wheelchair, Peyronie’s Disease is the weighty affliction that can cause painful erections, severe bending, and yes, a shortening of the joystick. And while it sounds like an obscure and puzzling menace that only happens in scary comic book movies, researchers estimate it affects one in ten dudes over the age of 18. That means more guys have a bendy boner than watch football on Sunday.
Just in case you needed more horror juice for the nightmare machine, one of the main causes of Peyronie’s Disease is sex itself. For instance, every time you use your dresser as a foothold for that steep angle big finish, you build up a little scar tissue underneath your unsuspecting johnson. Sure it hurt so good in the moment, but over time, these “injuries” can accumulate enough scar tissue to get your junk more bent than a bicep curl.
So while it’s true a little curveball can go a long way toward your gamesmanship between the sheets, when is bending it like Beckham too much of a good thing? Follow the long and winding road of bendy erections to find out.
Cover Photo: Kana Design Image (Getty Images)
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Peyronies bendy pecker
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The Super Straight
You could navigate the seas with this guy. No surprises here, but there's nothing wrong with that.
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The Off-Kilter
It doesn't look great hanging on a wall, but it's just a few degrees off from tying the room together. Nice.
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The Delusionally Straight
Why kid yourself? It's better to play to your strengths, which just so happen to be your disarming smile and perfectly natural, wobbly penis.
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The Blind Turn
Hey, we all know how fun a nice curve is at the right speeds. Go get 'em daredevil.
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The Cracked Foundation
If your level slides right off, you might want to make a note of this in your penis diary. It might be time to take your penis in for repair.
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The Futurama
Red alert! If you have what looks to be a machine-bent penis, run to your doctor right away. You've got a full-blown bender.
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The Elephant Trunk
Peyronie's works in mysterious ways. It can torque your trunk upward, downward, sideways, cause multiple bends, and even form an hourglass shape. Why are you not running down the street screaming for medical advice? Surely one of your neighbors is a pro-bono penis doctor.
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The Boomerang
Congratulations, you now have a penis that only works as a key fob. At least you'll always know where your keys are when you return home at night drunk and alone wondering why you did not heed our advice three dicks ago.
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The Solution
Okay, no more dicking around. Now that we've bent over backward to illustrate the dark reality of bendy penises, don't worry, Peyronie's Disease is temporary and treatable, especially when caught early. Just search for the treatment option that's right for you as soon as you pass The Blind Turn. And whatever you do, don't Google search images of bent penises in the process. It will scar you for life.
