Wipe that sweat off your brow, we made it through another week of madness. More and more people may be putting Twitter down to escape from the daily doom updates, and in doing so they could be missing out on some of the hilarity that is still out there trying to make the world not seem so glum. Thankfully you have us, and it’s Friday, which means it’s once again time for the funniest tweets of the week! If you were unfortunate to miss our last collection of tweets, not to worry, you poor bastard. We’re here for you if you need us. Now, catch up on all the Twitter insanity here then be sure to follow us on Twitter @Mandatory.
I’m gonna try to make my comedy stupider so I can expand my audience
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) July 28, 2021
That trope "go back in time and kill baby Hitler" is dumb because if you've got a time machine anyway why not go back and ABDUCT baby Hitler and raise him in a nice, liberal home, encourage his artistic side, and maybe just make sure he never has a podcast
— tammy golden (@tammygolden) August 4, 2021
What no one’s pointing out is that Martin Scorsese made a movie about the greatest superhero of them all: Jesus Christ.
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) August 4, 2021
I have agreed to fight Tony Shaloub on pay per view on October 27th.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) August 4, 2021
https://twitter.com/SteveMartinToGo/status/1422709889487433728?s=20
My conspiracy theory is that the Delta variant was named by American airlines.
— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) August 3, 2021
This was THE AVENGERS when I was growing up.
“I have a biker gang.”
“We have a Clyde.”
(L to R: Black Widow, Hawkeye, The Hulk, Captain America) pic.twitter.com/gCtJcNejni— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 31, 2021
As long as we’re banning masks in schools, let’s ban helmets in football and paint without lead.
— Dan Rather (@DanRather) August 5, 2021
https://twitter.com/1800callstar/status/1421942420757827585?s=20
M. Night Shyamalan’s YOUTH HOSTEL. pic.twitter.com/yqovMbEZUR
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 3, 2021
These frozen-honey-gives-you-diarrhea experts have been waiting a long time for their day in the spotlight.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) August 3, 2021
I’m at my most Italian when people criticize Martin Scorsese.
— Desi (@DesiJed) August 4, 2021
Coincidence? pic.twitter.com/nqkjPjYnsL
— Boo! Struzan ? (@DrewStruzan) August 5, 2021
Found a fingernail in my back pocket today. How did your day turn out?
— Josh Wolf (@joshwolfcomedy) August 5, 2021
Welcome to adulthood.
You now have a favorite spoon for certain foods and get upset if you have to use any other spoon.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) August 3, 2021
