Millennials Are ‘Happy’ with Their Life Decisions, Study Reports From Corner of Tiny Dark, Anxiety-Riddled Apartment

Happiness is a fickle mistress. Yet, despite “adulting” through the Great Recession, a whack-job president, mountains of student debt, a global pandemic, dating apps, and 20 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a new study claims that 78 percent of older millennials are satisfied with how their lives turned out and don’t have an impending sense of doom that permeates their every waking moment.

Before we collectively call bullshit, let’s unpack this latest metric of post-pandemic happiness. According to the recent findings, millennials between the ages of 33 and 40 are happier than their younger counterparts, due in large part to job security, relationship status, and higher self-esteem.

The study also suggests that older folks, in general, find greater happiness in mundane life moments rather than short thrilling bursts. Because old people (being so near to death) have learned to soak up every second of existence and to find immense satisfaction in a good piece of cheese or bingeing Jeopardy while lying under a warm blanket on the couch knowing the end is near.

If this sounds like heaven to you, congratulations, you are old.

But age isn’t the only factor in happiness. It turns out money plays a huge role. Zen-like contentment can be achieved with just $75,000 dollars a year, with total nirvana in reach for folks making six figures. In fact, only 2 percent of respondents making over $150,000 a year claimed they were “Not at all” happy with their lives. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously didn’t live in the 21st century.

The poll also discovered that the more money someone makes in comparison to their peers, the happier they feel. We believe that feeling is called smugness and yes, it is irritating to everyone except the person ordering $16 avocado toast and only taking one bite before throwing it in the garbage.

While this last part sounds incredibly accurate, the rest is up for debate. Personally, we think polls tend to skew people’s responses by allowing them to give aspirational answers rather than honest ones. With over 37 million Americans currently on anti-depressants (mostly in the 40-50-year-old range) geriatric millennials are just a few short years away from being gently rocked in the firm embrace of self-loathing and depression. If that sweet tidbit of information doesn’t cheer you up, we don’t know what will.

Cover Photo: Westend61 (Getty Images)

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