For a brief time, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was politics’ Golden Boy. The New Yorker dubbed him “The King of New York.” Missy Modell sang his praises in a Britney Spears parody called “(I’m Loving) Cuomo.” Molly Jong-Fast wrote an op-ed about how everyone was “crushing on Cuomo.” The Nation called him “St. Andrew of Covid.” The term “Cuomosexual” was adopted and used by celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres and Trevor Noah.
But even as Americans fawned over the governor, there were hints that he wasn’t as much of a saint as people wanted him to be. But because of the pandemic (and Trump’s presidency), admirers looked the other way. Now, we have the ultimate confirmation of what a creep Cuomo is – in the form of multiple sexual harassment claims by former staffers, not to mention an image of Cuomo clutching a young bride’s face in a completely non-consensual form of affection before he asked to kiss her.
Photo: New York Times
In light of these revelations, Samantha Bee dubbed Cuomo New York’s “biggest dirtbag,” and we couldn’t agree more. (Though he certainly isn’t the first or the last.) Cuomo has admitted to feeling “embarrassed” about his behavior but has not taken responsibility for it and he refuses to resign. (Classic predatory politician.)
So we’re stuck with him for a while longer. But what do we do with our feelings about someone we once thought was a hero? This is the Mandatory Cuomosexual Handbook For Handling Your Feelings When Your Political Hero Gets a Little Too Handsy.
Cover Photo: Pacific Press / Contributor (Getty Images)
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Cuomosexual
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Punch a pillow.
Discharge all that anger without hurting anyone. Just make sure you aren't supporting the MyPillow guy when you buy your next punching bag.
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Eat your feelings.
We recommend bingeing on sausages, the No. 1 food now associated with Gov. Cuomo.
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Egg his house.
OK, technically this is illegal, but only prosecutable if you get caught.
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Simp for his brother instead.
Say hello to your new Cuomo crush. You may recognize Chris from CNN, where he makes a lot of funny faces and occasionally says something smart.
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Protest.
Cuomo has an office, right? Show up there with 20 of your best buds, some picket signs, and demand that he resign. It won't work, but you'll feel oh-so-righteous.
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Run for office.
America's standards for political representatives are shockingly low. Someone has to replace Cuomo eventually, so why not you? On second thought, step aside and let the ladies take this one.
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Support female politicians.
In case you haven't noticed, women rock, especially in politics. So instead of mourning another hero ruined by his own stupidity, give money to female politicians' campaigns. Donate your time to their efforts. Share their initiatives on social media. The only way to get rid of scuzzy, old white guys in government is to replace them with cool, woke, competent women.
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Promote a woman.
Are you in charge of your workplace? Good for you! Now promote a woman. Then another one. And another one. They've likely been working twice as hard for half the pay and have put up with dudes like Cuomo for their entire careers. Be the exception.
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Be better.
Men will only change when other men force them to. If you see dudes doing inappropriate things regarding women, say something. Shut that shit down. Be the kind of man you want to see in the world -- and in political office.
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Relocate.
You don't need New York. It's an overrated cesspool anyway. Hit the road and find a new place to live, one that doesn't constantly elect assholes to office. (And let us know when you find this rare and wonderful place.)
