Meanwhile in New York: Swingers Busted For Failing to Socially Distance, Apparently There’s a Strict ‘Hit It and Quit It’ Quarantine Rule

Coronavirus has clamped down on all your favorite pleasures. Eating out. Drinking in bars. Even sex at swingers clubs. Wait, what?

You can pretend like you’re not curious, but we know you are. So here are the details: an underground swingers club in Queens got cracked down on by cops for violating area pandemic gathering restrictions.

Sheriff Joseph Fucito said that more than 80 people were found, um, congregating together with a disruptively loud soundtrack (all the better to disguise the sex sounds with) and plenty of inhibition-obliterating booze at Caligula sex club recently. Only three couples were actually caught in the act; the rest were said to be “socializing.” And just one, a 47-year-old woman named Jennifer Hayes, was fined and given a summons for disorderly conduct.

“[The chief] kept saying how long have you been working there. I didn’t work there. I heard them laughing and making fun of everybody,” she told The Post. “I got angry, I mouthed off.”

Hayes said she didn’t come to the swingers club for sex but to dance and listen to DJ-selected tunes. (OK, yeah, sure.) “We were trying to do it safely, we were wearing masks, we just wanted to hear music, that’s all,” she said. “We weren’t trying to put anyone in danger, we were maintaining our distance from other people.”

Photos from the scene tell a different story. In one, four large beds are pushed together, with a basket of condoms resting atop the sheets and a trash basket standing by. In another pic, a laminated sign states the prices for the VIP room, which start at $30 for 10 minutes and go up incrementally in 10-minute units until the top tier: $500 for “All night!” (Spoiler alert: Nobody can go all night.)

Advertisements for the club indicate that it’s been throwing parties for months despite COVID-19 restrictions. (The worst part are the themes, like “bikinis and whipped cream” and “tricks and treats.”) Why the cops didn’t catch on sooner is unclear. Regardless, the owner of the club was charged with several violations, and both he and the business were fined for failing to protect public health and safety.

While we understand feeling desperate to get laid and suffering from quarantine fatigue, we also acknowledge there is no such thing as “safe sex” during a pandemic (and no sex is so good it’s worth getting coronavirus for). But if you must get it on, do it with as few people as possible in a private place, and make sure you stick to the “hit and quit it” routine. No lingering afterglow allowed.

Photos: NYC Sheriff

Tips and tricks: The Mandatory Guide to Safe Sex in a Time of Love and Quarantine

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