Melania Trump Reads Robotic Teleprompter Speech So Boring It Couldn’t Possibly Be Plagiarized, Her Eyes Say ‘Help Me’

Melania Trump was never meant to be a first lady. As a former model, her qualifications for life in the political arena are limited to standing in one place and smiling. Ah, but she bears the Trump name, and was therefore dragged into the spotlight for a speech as part of the RNC last night.

Dressed in an Army green trench coat-esque outfit, Melania spoke from the White House Rose Garden in her trademark robotic way, reading from a teleprompter, for 25 minutes. She praised her husband’s forthrightness, which makes her the only person who finds his diarrhea of the mouth as an asset rather than a liability.

“Total honesty is what we as citizens deserve from our president,” she said. “Whether you like it or not, you always know what he is thinking.”

Wait. Donald Trump thinks? We’d guess he thinks about as much a bird does before shitting on your head.

Melania also addressed the coronavirus pandemic, which is ironic since her husband is in deep denial about the destructive breadth of the problem and is ignorant about realistic solutions to end it. The crowd – maskless, with fewer than 6 feet between seats – showed how little the president abides by science.

“My deepest sympathy goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one,” Melania said. “I know many people are anxious and some feel helpless. I want you to know you are not alone.”

There’s no doubt that Melania feels anxious and helpless. She’s basically the president’s personal blow-up doll and has about as much agency as one.

Most telling, however, is what the first lady didn’t say. Her eyes said it for her. She looked like the life was slowly, excruciatingly, being squeezed out of her. Let’s hope Trump loses on Nov. 3, if only so Melania can have a chance at escape.

Cover Photo: YouTube

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