Close Talker Struggles to Maintain Social Distance the Hornier He Gets For Intimate Conversations

June 3, 2020

We all know someone like him: the person who just can’t stand a reasonable distance away from us while having a conversation. Seinfeld gave him the moniker that we all know: the close talker. This propriety-dismissing individual stands so close that at first, you assume they’ve got a secret to tell you (they don’t). But no, they only want to talk about how their stock plummeted during the virus and how nice it is that the weather finally turned. This strange person can’t help himself and he’s truly struggling in these odd times.

You see, he doesn’t do this on purpose. Being so close that it appears he’ll pucker up and give you a smooch at any moment doesn’t alarm him. This local man also isn’t consciously choosing to completely destroy social distancing measures during this and pretty much any era they’ve been alive for. That’s just how they communicate. If you can’t smell the tuna he had for lunch, he’s not close enough to ask you if you think baseball will come back this summer.

Also, close talkers allegedly don’t like wearing masks. You see, they feel that they muffle their words. That’s why the only course of action is to completely avoid them altogether. Or, if you feel like they’ll go insane without the camaraderie associated with close-talking, FaceTime him. He can literally press his face up to the screen if it makes him happy. This way he doesn’t infect anyone. Also, he won’t get infected by his truly awful form of communicating. No harm. No foul. Everyone’s happy.

Enjoy these awkward and uncomfortable GIFs of close talkers. And stay safe out there!