Have you ever worried about having too few brain cells? Has it made it hard to keep a job, communicate with other bipeds or led you to listen to The Joe Rogan Experience? If so, then face-slap wars could be the sport for you. Of course, this international phenomenon rose to fame in Russia, the Florida of Eurasia. In this nation ruled by human lawn gnome Vladimir Putin, face-slap wars are now actually a national sport. In fact, no joke here, there is even a Russian Slapping Championship.
The event unites wannabe tough guys and obese men with beards from around the world. Like any sport, there are superstars. Perhaps the biggest name in the open-hand face-striking world is Vasiliy Khamotiskiy. Also known as “The Dumpling,” there are more than a few politicians we’d love to see him slap silly. We look back on the best moments from the short but painful history of face-slap wars, so you know exactly what to binge next.
Cover Photo: Andrei Samsonov / Contributor (Getty Images)
Can I get a Mulligan: NBA Aborts Season After Coronavirus Case and Overall Desire For a Do-Over From Everyone
More dumb fights: Kansas Man Who Wanted to Sword Fight Ex-Wife Deemed ‘Not Crazy’ by Doctor, May Need Second Opinion
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Face-Slap Wars Are the Ultimate Pandemic Fight Binge
-
The First Slap
Slap fighting is the worst new idea for a sport since Vince McMahon’s XFL. Sadly, we can’t blame this one on the Ruskies, because it seems that the Ink Masters Slap Off Contest in 2016 may have actually started the craze.
-
A Champ is Born
The Dumpling’s start in the world of competitive slapping began by accident when he attended the 2019 Sarychex Power Expo. Not only did he enter and win the slapping competition on a lark, he also won a dumpling eating contest, hence his delicious nickname.
-
Logan Paul’s Fake Slap
Logan Paul — video blogger and human venereal disease — claimed to have knocked out a man while preparing for the Russian Slapping Championship. Later it was revealed the whole video was fake and that Paul paid his opponent to throw the match, surprising absolutely no one.
-
That's Gotta Hurt
This is perhaps The Dumpling’s most widely viewed slap match, and it is so brutal. The big Russian almost beheads the little tattooed guy, showing why weight classes are totally a thing.
-
Face Off
In this battle of the giants, The Dumpling faced off against a 6-foot-7-inch tall Brazilian MMA fighter Zuluzinho. Since both men were still standing at the end, the match was declared a draw, but we think the real losers are both of their brains.
-
Hug it Out
Brazilian MMA fighter Zuluzinho and Russian champion Vasiliy Khamotiskiy proved there were no hard feelings following their hours-long lap battle with a very manly hug.
-
The Slappening
Last year, Peru decided it didn’t want to let Russia have all the fun when it comes slap fights. So, Peru hosted its first Extreme Slapping Contest with the top prize being $296, which is such a pathetically small purse it’s basically just another slap in the face.
-
The Slap Heard Round the World
The Dumpling finally met his match when facing off against Vyacheslav Zezulya late last year. Zezulya smacked his rotund rival so hard that The Dumpling was knocked out cold, in what is now known as the slap heard round the world.
