Life is hard right now, but life in self-quarantine for singles is even harder. One single man learned such a thing when he fell asleep on his fordable couch binging Netflix, only to awake swallowed whole by it with a full bladder and endless regret for the Taco Bell takeout from the night before. With his slowly-fading phone within arm’s reach, he used his last bit of battery to text his friends’ group thread (a thread nobody should be allowed to bear witness to) and plead for their help.
Upon a series of questions regarding the exact details of his predicament, his friends deliberated amongst themselves in a separate thread titled “The Decision 2020.” Based on the amount of water and cinnamon twists in their friend’s close proximity, and in keeping to social distancing, they decided it would be best if they each referred their friend to a series of hotlines and inspirational posts that might be more adequately suited to help. By the time the verdict reached the young man, his cell phone flickered with its last moments of life, leaving him at the mercy of his dog, who has since been staring at his owner as if he were a cheeseburger. The last thing the young man read was a text from one member of the group that said, “You’ll be alright,” which was liked by the everyone in the thread.
Photo: Willaims+Hirakawa (Getty)
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