It’s always fascinating when global pandemics produce mass hysteria. Whether it was the Cold War and threats of nuclear bombs, Y2K, the Swine Flu or just the mere existence of the year 2012, it seems like the world is always on the brink of some sort of disaster. Make no mistake: coronavirus is a big issue. People have died and we would never make light of that. But we would make light of how people respond to these so-called “natural disasters.” Some people build bomb shelters. Others throw their computers away. Others, still, put somebody in charge of a medical crisis even though said person doesn’t actually have any medical or scientific expertise. But our favorite types of people are the ones with enough forethought and fortitude to take advantage of the situation.
Such is the case the third-party sellers on Amazon, who are selling hand sanitizer for as much as $100 a bottle. While Purell is flying off the shelves at your local mom-and-pop shops, as well as the bigger stores like Walmart (ironic because most people who frequent Walmart probably didn’t even know hand sanitizer existed until this month), Amazon hosts people who are trying to sell the stuff like it’s liquid gold. Well, if you don’t feel like spending an arm and a leg to keep your hands clean, you’ve come to the right place. Health officials have offered a list of helpful tips to avoid imminent death-by-coronavirus (hint: wash your hands), but if those seem too hard to manage, feel free to check out our list of cheap, DIY suggestions to avoid getting scammed while also remaining in top health. Thank us all you want; just don’t breathe on us, please and thank you.
Cover Photo: matspersson0 (Getty Images)
Dude, you’ve got a disease: Man Claims Whiskey Cured Him of Coronavirus, Now Just Needs Cure For Alcoholism
Child’s play: Amazon Pulls ‘Daddy’s Little Slut’ T-Shirt Amid Backlash, Safely Going With ‘Papa’s Silly Little Ho’
Help Prevent the Spread of the Coronavirus
Visit the Centers for Disease Control at CDC.gov or the World Health Organization at Who.int for the latest information on the coronavirus and learn what you can do to stop the spread.
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
DIY Coronavirus Techniques
-
Quit Sucking Your Thumb at Night
Go to therapy instead. Your mother can't control you anymore.
-
Stop Picking Your Nose
Sure, you were just "scratching" it.
-
Instead of Shaking Hands, Boop Somebody’s Nose
It's healthier and adorable!
-
Refrain From Masturbation
This way, you won't go blind either.
-
Avoid Sex Stuff, Period
Avoid all human contact, especially genital contact.
-
No More Buffet Lines
Honestly, we're disappointed we have to tell you this in the first place.
-
Cut Your Hands Off
The Bible says to cut off what causes you to sin. And the Bible can't be wrong, right?
-
Move to the Woods
Just don't eat any berries.
-
Make Yourself a Bubble Boy
This way, people would stay away from you and think you're an urban legend.
-
Just Wash Your Fucking Hands
This is literally the easiest and most effective way to stay healthy.
