trump

Pardoned White House Turkeys Named Bread and Butter, Ironically Named After Two Things Trump Will Never Pardon in the Least

By Matt Branham

Nothing is more ironic than naming your potentially pardoned turkeys Bread and Butter, the two things that are never spared on Thanksgiving. The White House turkeys were put up in the luxurious Willard Hotel because “them’s a fancy bird,” plus they refused to stay at Trump Hotel unless they could shit all over the walls. Meanwhile, gluten and dairy were not spared (not in the least) and will likely be consumed at incredible rates by our fearful leader (and his incredibly fast heart rate). President Trump wished the pardon turkey “a lot of luck,” but made it clear he didn’t have much to give, then muttered something that sounded like “we’re all screwed anyway” as he pardoned the wrong turkey because apparently the popular vote doesn’t count on Twitter either. Perhaps, if all goes well, they will be serving impeachment pies for dessert.

Photo: ANDREW CABALLERO-REYNOLDS / / Staff (Getty)

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Matt Branham
Matt Branham

Matt Branham is the Editor-in-Chief at Mandatory. A Los Angeles-based author, originally from Illinois. A man of metaphors, challenging the norm and going against everything you believe, one of Mandatory's original writers. Whether music or movies, TV or taboo, he's always writing, mostly in alliterations. His latest book "Stop the World! I Wanna Get Off" was released in 2016, following "Feeling Out of Shorts." Stick around for more from this big hat wearing, topsy turvy troubadour.

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