Amazon, like our high school drug dealer or that guy in prison who emerges from the shadows with a carton of cigarettes, a power drill, and a Swiss fountain pen, has become the go-to source for the things we need. But much like those aforementioned dudes with criminal records, the company wasn’t responsible for bad acid or leaky pens procured from third-party vendors…until now. The U.S. 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals in Philadelphia ruled last month that Amazon be held liable for items sold by all third-party vendors. Though the ruling is being challenged by the e-commerce behemoth, we may soon live in a world where ordering dangerous and questionable items is protected. Here are the 12 most questionable products you should order right now.
Photo: Amazon
Spending by sex: Men Spend More Than Women On Impulse Buys, Study Says We’re Fancy Boys
Fugazi for life: Fake It Till You Make It (To Jail): 8 Biggest Frauds In American History
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Questionable Amazon products
-
A Human Finger - $15.00
Your new human finger bone is perfect for…actuallly we have no idea. But the item is “frequently bought with” an intermediate phalange and a real human rib bone. It doesn’t say where the bones are sourced from, but according to reviews, “bones were of highest quality and cleanliness.” Should we be concerned?
Photo: Amazon
-
Home Cooked Placenta Recipes - $2.99
Thanksgiving just got a little weirder thanks to this recipe book chock full of delicious ways to slice and dice everyone's favorite meat substitute. And if eating placenta isn't your thing (umm, why is this not your thing?) don't worry, Amazon offers plenty of placenta products to help you get your fix. Mmm, placenta.
Photo: Amazon
-
Portable Suture Kit - $42.50
This medical suture kit doesn’t come with instructions, but is the perfect gift for that one friend you never know what to buy. With pre-cut wounds and four sharp blades, your friend can learn how to stitch and field dress your wounds with complete creative license.
Photo: Amazon
-
Uranium Ore - $39.95
This material listed simply as "metal" has not been chemically analyzed before shipping. That's on you, proud owner of radioactive ore sample. As long as you don't add that how-to book on uranium enrichment to the same cart, we're pretty sure you can fly under the radar on this one.
Photo: Amazon
-
Baby Mop - $29.99
Turn your newborn into something useful with this not-highly-rated baby mop. Simply duct tape a broom handle to your baby’s chest and start pushing, or let your offspring do the work as you throw child labor laws out the window. With designs for babies ages 1-12 months, what better way to get your very own Cinderella started in the workforce?
Photo: Amazon
-
Survival Spear - $79.99
Life in the city just isn’t complete without a 44-inch survival spear boasting an 8-inch piece of cutlery. Spread avocado on your toast in style, then take down a 2-ton buffalo from 30 yards without breaking a sweat. This affordably priced spear now comes with a carrying sheath, so passengers on your morning commute won’t feel uncomfortable at all.
Photo: Amazon
-
Roast Beef Bath Soak - $15.95
What better way to make yourself a target for starving coyotes and wayward wolverines than soaking your meaty flesh in a hot au jus bath? Just don’t leave your window open while you close your eyes and slip into relaxing, beef-filled bliss.
Photo: Amazon
-
Sexed Pair of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches - $9.99
Is this sanitary -- or the perfect way to spread exotic disease? Who cares, now that you can mate and breed your very own pair of hissing cockroaches! The company that sells the love bugs can’t guarantee live arrival, so you might have to order a few times before you can start your swarm army of locust to attack that pesky neighbor who keeps taking your parking spot.
Photo: Amazon
-
Cat Bjorn - $11.99
Every cat lover dreams of taking their beloved pet with them wherever they go. The only problem is it's super inconvenient. This slinky springtime dress with cat pouch offers the perfect solution by morphing you and your cat into marsupials. Just be prepared for your cat to flip out the second you step outside before clawing your face and running under the wheels of oncoming traffic. Other than that, it’s the best product ever made.
Photo: Amazon
-
Tactical Blowgun With Sling - $31.99
Tap into your primal side with this state-of-the-art, completely outdated weapon that comes with precision aluminum chamber and 44 blow darts (poisonous dip not included). Take road rage to the next level while clearing your lungs, all thanks to Amazon’s incredible marketplace offerings.
Photo: Amazon
-
A Blow-Drying Dog Suit - $69.95
Freak your dog out while exposing him to electric shock with this amazing new product that will make your canine compadre look like he’s ready for the space race. Smile Pugsly, no more wet-dog smell. (Not suitable for monkeys.)
Photo: Amazon
-
Nothing - $7
“For the person who has everything.” Never have we seen so many customer complaints about the "disappointing" packaging of nothing. Thankfully, with Amazon slowly being forced into the role of consumer protector, we’ll never have to deal with the nightmare of receiving packages that don’t match the photo ever again.
Photo: Amazon
