It doesn’t really matter why it ended, but it’s very apparent your relationship is over. That’s the way love goes, or so Janet Jackson said. Because if anyone would know about dying of a broken heart, it would be one of the Jackson kids. Now that you’re single again, you have to exist in the world like a bolt without a nut. You don’t know how you’ll survive, especially now that you’re staying on your friend Chad’s sofa. This is the sad story of your first month after a breakup.
Cover Photo: Johner Images (Getty Images)
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What’s your typical breakup pattern? Do you hurry up and try to sleep with someone new or just live through it like you’re Courtney Love? Let us know in the comments!
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First Month Being Single
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1 Day After the Breakup
Technically you're fine. Your boy Chad said it was chill for you to stay on his couch as long as you need. Your friends and family have all been there for you. So why does it feel like you're missing something and that something is the heart your ex ripped directly from your chest? You remind yourself this is not your first time at the rodeo and it will get better. You've been single before. It's not that bad, but it is. Being single is the worst.
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7 Days After the Breakup
Your ex refuses to let you into the house without someone else present. You cannot believe this move. You were always good to them. How dare they treat you like you're a monster? Plus, you used to live there and are on the lease. You get very drunk with Chad who reminds you of this fact. He then spends the remainder of the evening talking you out of taking an Uber to your ex's place, which coincidentally also used to be your place. You remind yourself the rage is a by-product of grief and now you hate the grieving process. Chad buys you more drinks.
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11 Days After the Breakup
Chad casually mentions to you that you might want to get on dating apps. You're a romantic. You're never going to get into swiping on people like they're cattle. Yet you download the app anyway and spend an entire work day matching with human women, as well as women who are obviously Russian sex bots. The bots are pretty friendly, which you consider a bonus.
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12 Days After the Breakup
You match with someone who happens to have the same profile song as you (the Grammy-winning hit, "Smooth" by Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas). Is this love? You hope so. The two of you make plans to grab a drink at a bar you like. You're really feeling good about yourself. It's possible this breakup is the best damn thing that's ever happened to you.
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12 Days and 6 Hours After the Breakup
You arrive at the bar and your Tinder date is already there. They don't look exactly like their profile pic, but overall, they're not bad looking. You order a drink and decide to make the best of things. Then you see something in your periphery -- holy shit, it's your ex. And they're with someone else.
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12 Days and 7 Hours After the Breakup
You're outside the bar with your ex and you are a mess. Even though you were also technically on a date, yours was somehow more awkward. And your date left the second your meltdown over your ex started. Your ex's date is standing off to the side watching as the two of you talk. You decide to go for it and tell them that you don't want it to be over. You were wrong. They were wrong. Can't they see it? They can't. Sigh.
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14 Days After the Breakup
Chad stages an intervention with a few of your other close friends. Someone suggests you focus more on you. You smile and nod like you hadn't already thought of that. Karen's co-dependent boyfriend Mark decides to chime in. He tells you that you need to hurry up and sleep with someone else, anyone else so you can get your ex out from under your skin. This offends you.
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17 Days After The Breakup
Chad brings up what Mark said and asks if you've hooked up with anyone yet. You can't believe these people. Don't they know what it's like to suffer from a broken heart? You roll your eyes and then tell him you banged the server you cheated on your ex with last summer. You do not tell him you did it on his couch.
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25 Days After the Breakup
The server texts you, "Been busy. Let's play." Then sends you a nude photo. You head to their place for all the orgasms you can muster. Turns out Mark was right.
