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Sometimes you want to break-up with your girlfriend but don’t have the heart to pull the trigger. In such times, what can you do to have your lady call it quits before you do? With these ingenious methods, you will soon be free to frolic the fields of Tinder and Hinge with a ‘single-and-ready-to-mingle’ pep in your step. Because it’s not always about love; sometimes it’s just about hygiene. Get the full scoop below.
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breakup techniques
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Lose all self-control (and respect).
How far are you prepared to go, bro?
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Get a really bad haircut.
Look like a dork. Break the spell.
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Let it all go, starting with the dishes.
Let it get to a point where the cleanup is so bad, we're talking post-Thanksgiving apocalypse, that you'd both rather bail altogether than deal with it.
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Compare her to her mother whenever you're in public.
This one cuts deep -- be careful with it. If you reach for daddy issues, you might lose more than just your relationship.
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Bite her labia while making knowing eye contact.
Not only will it ruin your sex life, she'll think you're a bad listener, which might be worse to most women.
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Start collecting stray cats.
Nothing like a bunch of feral felines to scare all the pussy out of the house. Added tip: Don't scoop the litter box.
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Don't bother with personal hygiene.
Not only will you repel your girlfriend, you'll repel mosquitoes, dogs, and everyone you ever met.
Related: Skrillex Music Is Legit Mosquito Repellent
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Keep your eyes on your phone at all times.
Why would she want to be with an android? She'll find out when you stop paying any and all attention to her by keeping your head in your phone, especially when driving.
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Let a deadbeat friend crash with you for months.
Nothing puts a wedge between you and true love faster than an old friend she can't stand sleeping in the living room to pursue their dreams. When she comes home to you two spooning on her side of the bed, all bets are off.
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Get a house parrot, force ultimatum.
When she asks if it's either her or the parrot, you're going to have to side with the fact that the parrot can't take care of itself. And it somehow repeats itself less.
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Pull a political 180.
Maybe we should have led with this. But then this hilarious guide would only have one step to it. She will drop you faster than a cannonball at a gravity convention.
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"Forget" to flush.
This is the surprise gift that will deaden her love for you. Warning: She might come back full force with an upper decker that destroys your belief about women not pooping.
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Become a big crier (or a Tobey Maguire movie buff).
Nobody likes a crybaby. Extra points for pulling the Tobey-Maguire-level-ugly cry-face.
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Be rude to waiters/everyone (then go on a killing spree).
Just imagine what Christian Bale would do in his movies (or real life).
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Learn a new instrument, practice the shit out of it without ever improving.
Make sure to avoid respectable instruments like the piano, violin. Go for the raw, screeching horns.
Good luck, fine sir, and may Cupid's arrow unstick your live-in lady so she may be free to roam the golden pastures of Tinder love.
