This Week’s 20 Funniest Tweets 7-27-18

Header Photo: Leon Neal (Getty) / @crislyn_graham (Twitter)

Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.

Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.

Funny Tweets 7-27-18

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

— madds (@whatmaddness) July 27, 2018

Eighth Grade
Eighth Grade 2: Ninth Grade
Eighth Grad3: Civil War
Eighth Four
Eighth Grade 5: Ninth Grade 2
Eighth 6rade: Return to Sixth Grade
Seventh Grade
F8 of the Grade

— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 26, 2018

when I’m depressed I remember the time Bear Grylls was stung by a bee and morphed into Benedict Cumberbatch and I find that that helps a lot pic.twitter.com/Len3M9rvlx

— jonno (@jonnohopkins) July 22, 2018

honestly if scammers toned it down a little they could totally get me. like i’ve won a million dollars? uh, obvious scam. i’ve won a pizza? yes here is my social security number

— merritt k (@merrittk) July 6, 2018

Ran into a casual high school acquaintance I haven’t seen in 10 years on NYC streets. Without saying a word she gives me a high five and keeps walking. Be like her.

— Alex Olshansky (@atosoccer) July 20, 2018

pic.twitter.com/Uh7lBMZoxa

— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) July 25, 2018

eats cheese: hm why does my stomach hurt that’s weird
eats cheese again: hm why does my stomach hurt that’s weird
eats cheese again:hm why does my stomach hurt that’s weird
eats cheese again:hm why does my stomach hurt that’s weird
eats cheese again: hm why does my stomach hu

— Minna (@minnascule) July 26, 2018

I never know if the pain in my chest is from anxiety or french fries.

— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) June 18, 2018

When I say “I’ll let you know”… pic.twitter.com/KLn5n0Zmg1

— (@KennSunshine) July 7, 2018

The abnormally high temperatures will continue through the end of the planet.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) July 27, 2018

Allow us to dumb it down a little more: Study Suggests We’re All Super More Stupider When A Heat Wave Rolls Through Town

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 4, 2018

My grandfather told me that when my grandma gets mad at him he tightens the pickle jar lid so she’ll have to talk to him … I want that

— Crislyn Graham (@crislyn_graham) July 17, 2018

Love this. All players should have there GPAs listed on their equipment https://t.co/iHvxXe0e0J

— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) July 26, 2018

yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”

— claire (@clairedaniellem) July 22, 2018

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

— (@the_omega_sin) March 7, 2018

“Ahhh fuck” – me realizing tonight is the fun concert I excitedly bought tickets for

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) July 23, 2018

Me: *slamming my fists down on the table* I need answers, dammit

Suspect: I-I dont know what you’re talking about

Me: was. Scooby doo. neutered.

Suspect: I DONT KNOW

Me: *splashing water in his face* WAS IT BEFORE OR AFTER THEY LEARNED HE COULD TALK

— Kal (@captainkalvis) July 25, 2018

school fundraisers were wild lol you would sell 100 dollars of merchandise and they’d give you a keychain. you. didn’t. even. own. keys.

— (@deliberatedaily) July 10, 2018