Header Photo: Universal Pictures / @slavetothemic (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 7-6-18
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda— FROVO (@fro_vo) July 5, 2018
A reminder for the Fourth. pic.twitter.com/vNM6mC56hb
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) July 3, 2018
The hardest part of a break up is that their dog doesn’t know what happened and thinks you just stopped coming over to see him
— WhitePeopleHumor (@whitememejesus) June 26, 2018
If i have fun today i can’t have fun tomorrow, sorry. https://t.co/Je42RUFTse
— JSM (@X_ch1co_X) June 25, 2018
Bosnians : I wanna swim
Croatia : No pic.twitter.com/OxFDJgpKd0— A NorthEastern guy (@ohNoobDerp) July 4, 2018
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 20, 2018
As much as I use my smartphone, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it in any of my dreams. pic.twitter.com/1H98pFX9Nv
— CREDENCE (@BrendanCredence) June 27, 2018
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) June 20, 2018
Computer, show me the whitest sentence in the world. https://t.co/XYQELdmj4U
— Glenn Loury 2.0 Darker, Gayer, Different (@justabloodygame) July 1, 2018
Old folks Facebook comments look like visual voicemail.
“Hey Anthony! How isthe family? We’re good over here. Talk to you later, bye!”
— Anthony Armstrong (@MrArmstrong13) June 26, 2018
We already knew that: Facebook Is Now Just for Old People
I worked at a bar and a girl came in & got REAL hammered. She started crying and trying to tell me about someone dying… it was someone from Greys Anatomy. She had literally come to drink away the loss of her fictional friend. And I felt that. Like rlly felt it
— whit:) (@feelingwhitneyd) July 1, 2018
Man, it’s a pic.twitter.com/fKHXqE6t8r
— Carlos Toraño (@catorano) July 5, 2018
Jurassic Park but everything goes well and everyone really enjoys it.
— Mike (@slavetothemic) July 5, 2018
you: dick pics
me, an intellectual: richard pictures— Colette (@colettelverity) June 28, 2018
me choosing my outfit everyday pic.twitter.com/a39XMLw0vw
— satan (@vampiregaI) May 2, 2018
One of my favorite games to play is “is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses or brain tumor?”
— parker (@pmilbs_) March 15, 2018
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
— e l l e n b e r g (@EggInBurger) June 24, 2018
Alternate slogans:
“Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes yarn”
“Blackbird singing in the dead of yarn”
“We all live in a yellow submayarn” pic.twitter.com/j1WE3nufGV
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) July 6, 2018
You can say “please” and “thank you” a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say “ass-faced mother fucker” ONCE…
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 22, 2018
Me after finally opening up to someone https://t.co/4731FE47xP
— nicole. (@idekcolee) June 30, 2018
