This Week’s 20 Funniest Tweets 6-22-18

Header Photo: Sony Pictures Television / @ArfMeasures (Twitter)

Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.

Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.

Funny Tweets 6-22-18

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

— Adam (@Browtweaten) June 19, 2018

it’s 90 degrees out. this is your moment, my guy. if not now, when ? pic.twitter.com/4jZ0ndrxov

— kevin shark (@boynamedshark) June 18, 2018

Someone returns your tupperware they borrowed and tells you it’s clean. Do you:

A) wash it anyways
B) wash it anyways

— Kerry (@Kerry_Pro) June 19, 2018

I’m sorry but this seems like terrible advice. pic.twitter.com/EdCzrrtegg

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) June 20, 2018

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

— BrilliantVillain (@IntergalacticQ) June 15, 2018

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) June 18, 2018

*breathing intensifies* pic.twitter.com/F0PoggMmPI

— Dashiell Driscoll (@dashiell) June 18, 2018

adults really drilled “stop, drop & roll” into our heads but didn’t teach us how to balance a check book. i have never ONCE been on fire and i’ve been in debt for years. riddle me that

— Sativa Plath (@CAlien__) May 30, 2018

True indicator of having your shit together: the outside of your olive oil bottle is not oily

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) June 9, 2018

What if Ms. Incredible actually got a small booty but she keeps it perpetually stretched so that it just looks big

— Johnny Champagne (@tappcj) June 19, 2018

Related: RANKED! The 5 Biggest A-Holes In Disney Animated Movies

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 21, 2018

Just learned that the “apple ass” challenge is NOT a real thing. It was a prank created by my shithead nephew and the video he took of my clenching an apple in my quivering ass while I walk up a flight of stairs did nothing to raise money or awareness of childhood obesity.

— Dan White (@atdanwhite) March 16, 2018

She either got divorced or got married to Groot. pic.twitter.com/sSAmUENcqm

— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) June 21, 2018

it’s like my dad can read my mind when I text him pic.twitter.com/KX8xFkfoOT

— JGB (@jennabelsome) June 14, 2018

t-rex: aye look a shooting star make a wish
raptor: i wish i was dead
t-rex: lmao
t-rex:
t-rex:
t-rex: aye that shit looks kinda close dont it

— mason (@mason_jay42) February 3, 2018

Is maroon just navy red pic.twitter.com/DlCWvBAwrb

— meza (@Mezaphy) June 19, 2018

cops: open up it’s the police

me: I have this secret fear that people view me as dumb

cops: we meant open up the door you fuckin moron

— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) May 27, 2018

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 20, 2018