I Job Shadowed A Self-Proclaimed ‘Instagram Model’ And Learned A Lot About Depression

Young Woman Using Laptop Computer. Photo: Kypros (Getty)

The life of an Instagram influencer may not be as glamorous as you would expect. I spent a day in the life with one of them, and let me tell you something, it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Here is the timeline I witnessed up close and way too personal. Just remember, this is every damn day for a self-proclaimed Instagram model, and it is not to be taken lightly.

6AM: Pretend I have a real job and post photo of myself from 6 days ago. Back to bed! #hustle #grind

9AM: Yell at my Instagram boyfriend to make me a sponsored brand fitness smoothie.

9:15: Tastes like pond water. Have boyfriend take 80 photos of me fake-drinking it before throwing it in the trash. #eatfresh

9:30: Instagram boyfriend already has carpel tunnel. #singlelife #independentwoman #whatscarpeltunnel

10AM: Empty out dick pic treasure chest in DMs. “Phone’s actually lighter now,” (Joe Rogan).

10:30: Fail at editing photos using 6 different beauty apps. Create Craigslist ad for “Fashion Intern for Social Media Mogul.” #beyonce #queenB

11AM: Lunch! Pizza with spaghetti and loaf of whole wheat. Post Insta-video next to uneaten food. #lovemycarbs

11:30: Take massive dump. #notbulimic while googling “how to trade followers for dollars”

11:45: Take post-massive dump skinny selfie in bathroom mirror. #fitness

11:50: Google symptoms. #braintumor

11:51: Go outside for once …to get a spray tan. #caligirl

Noon: Test-drive a convertible (sit in one parked at 7-11 and selfie hard). #barbiegirl.

12:28: No Wi-Fi, panic sets in. Google: “Can followers who don’t know me forget who I am?”

12:30: Wi-Fi is back, palpitations subside. Post funny video about what an inspiring day I’m having. #YOLO

12:45: Serial follow 3,000 strangers so they’ll follow me back. #deletetomorrow 

1PM: Let some creepy millionaire with amazing Wi-Fi take photos of me on his private jet without taking off. #jetsetterforlife

1:30: Pretend traveling is fun and stress-free with photos holding someone-who-went-to-the-bathroom’s margarita. Toss margarita in decorative plane plant because #glutenallergy #ithinkthatswhatihave

2 PM: Layout by stranger’s pool and take selfies all day. #tanlines #sunsoutbunsout

2:15: Drop phone in pool. Down to three phones. #FML

2:30: Get out of sun, but continue posting pool photos for next six hours. #eczema

3PM: Create fake account of myself and tell followers to ignore in order to convince everyone I have fans. #itsme

3:15: Just found out “you’re” and “your” mean different things? #bilingual

3:30: Try on the 36 bikinis I bought on Amazon, pretend a major brand sent them instead. #thanksforthegift 

4PM: Take videos of each new suit, asking people to weigh in on which they like most.

4:05: Receive nothing but dick pics in return. Post photo of winning suit. #bestfollowersever

4:10: Botox visit (say it’s the dentist). Post video of scary tools slowly panning to my cleavage. #blessed

5PM: FaceTime elderly French husband, asking him to wire more money. Offer free webcam session with my new face. “Connection failed.”

5:15: Hang outside of Olive Garden and smile at someone until they buy me pasta. #livingmybestlife

5:30: Post healthy vegetarian photo.

5:40: Throw veggies in garbage while shoving meatballs down my gullet. #feelgood #lookgood

6PM: Nap (masturbate to photos of myself).

8PM: Hang with my baes. #pregame #girlsnight #justmet

8:15: Take identical photos until phones #2 and #3 are full on storage.

8:30: Fake tequila shots into house plant. #glutenallergy #imalmostcertainthatswhatitis

9:45: Photos next to empty tequila bottles from the table next to us. #clubbing #ballerlife

10PM: Mistaken for waitress because I “look like I’m trying to make tips.” #FOMO

10:15: Apply for job at bar. #inspired

10:16: Got it!

10:20: Forgot about it. #lol

10:30: Photos photos photos, video video video. #allgirls #noloveinmylife

10:45: Home! Forgot to feed cat 🙁 Cat is dead. #YOLO

10:50: Throw dead cat out in hallway, add “puppy” to Amazon Wishlist. #rescuestory #buymesomething

10:55: Notice followers have dwindled. No-undies ass shot! #netflixandchill

11PM: Post video of sexy lingerie with finger in mouth. #goodnight #allalone

11:05: Only 20 new followers…

11:06: Buy more followers #norefunds

11:30: Full-on panic attack while finishing off leftover meatballs in bed.

11:45: Post old cat photos #cancersucks

11:50: Like comments from strangers who want to molest me and cry.

12AM: Time for sleep, opening shift at Starbucks tomorrow. #modellife

5AM: Post photo pretending I don’t have a real job.

5:30AM: Google “best community colleges for veterinarian degree” from Starbucks bathroom.

6AM: Get a couple harmless guys arrested. #starbucks

El Fin.