I try to keep up with the latest fads, and I never miss a chance to be even cooler than I already am. I heard from my next door neighbor (or maybe it was from my 8 year old nephew) that the trendy thing to do these days is go on vacation. Something about some holidays coming up. I don’t know. Whatever.
The point is, vacations are f**king in this season. For those of you who value being hip as much as I do, you don’t want to get left out of this thing, otherwise you might have your subscription to Vice Magazine revoked. Be thankful that I’m here to clue you in to the most raddest, most baddest places to get smashed and take pictures of your friends being smashed. Crave Online’s staff of hipster scientists have created the definitive list of the top 10 best places to vacation. This is not a subjective list at all. This is FACT. We didn’t sit around combing our beards. We did some scientific shit to get this list together.
Of course, these 10 awesome cities to party in can change at any time. Hipster culture attempts to constantly evolve so that it can never be co-opted by “The Man.” In 6 months, maybe Detroit will be #1? I mean, I doubt it, but you never know, right? It’s certainly the #1 city to get gang raped by genetic mutants, which is something to be proud of.
Before we begin, a few criteria for your reference. This list was compiled by rating each destination on the following:
- Number of places to drink
- Available public transportation
- Reputation as a fashion capital
- Number of places to drink
- Number of vintage stores in the area
- Reputation as a music capital
- Number of places to drink
10) The Couch
Every hipster’s favorite place to hang out. It’s warm, comfy and you don’t have to pay rent to sleep there. The only problem with The Couch is your roommates will be pretty pissed when you bring a girl back to bang on that same Couch. You see, your roommates sit there most of the day checking their e-mail, updating Facebook, playing Wii, and text messaging. They don’t want to soak in all your filthy genetic material that you left there from the night before. At least put some newspaper down when you get down. Just common courtesy.
9) Seattle, Washington
It is a known fact that hipsters love places with awful weather. That will bear itself out later in this countdown, but this is our first example of a place barely habitable for human beings that the young and unemployed flock to. In addition to it raining 360 days out of the year, there are other bonuses for you. There are plenty of people in Seattle who still think it’s 1993, so flannel is appreciated. Just like your dad still talks about that one time he got to 2nd Base with Sheryl Crow before she got famous, Seattlites like to relive the last time they were culturally relevant. The biggest negative for Seattle is that it was the birthplace of Starbucks, an evil corporate entity that we are too ashamed to admit they love without a hint of irony.
8) Austin, Texas
Speaking of irony, you have to say that a liberal, college educated person living in Texas is dripping with irony. Hence, #8 on our countdown. There’s a university in Texas, which means that it’s one of the rare cities where interracial marriage is legal and culturally acceptable. If you decide to vacation here, keep in mind that it is actually still Texas.
There’s a great music scene in Austin that you’ll definitely want to check out when you visit. The South By Southwest festival takes place here every year. Also, it is a little known fact that Weird Al Yankovic wrote “Eat It” while tripping on acid in Austin.
7) Any Forest
In a forest, you aren’t forced to bathe or work. You can frolic like the 80-pound elf that you are. Doesn’t it feel good to get back to nature, to connect to Mother Earth? You can smoke American Spirit cigarettes (which are all natural, by the way!) without some square hassling you about “second hand smoke.” Whatever, dude. How about you let me be myself!? How about you quit trying to make me conform to your “rules.” I’m an “artist”!
The only negative about the forest? The locals won’t let you drink!
6) Paris, France
Paris makes our list for one simple reason: hipsters love French movies. Go to Paris and you can reenact your favorite scenes from films you only pretend to have seen. “I read the Wikipedia article for Jules and Jim and I want to go run through the Louvre!” Also, there are plenty of authors from Paris who you read the Cliff Notes for back in college. You weren’t wasting your time reading in college. You were getting your bone smoked and sifting through the sale rack at Urban Outfitters.
5) San Francisco, CA
San Francisco was the birthplace of the hippie movement. It is well-known that hippies are Proto-Hipsters. Hippies practically invented the concept of trying to be counter-culture, while also simultaneously being completely mainstream in every possible way.
SF is a great place to be cool because of its thriving leisure scene. There’s a bar on every block. You can drink in the park because the police are too busy kicking all the homeless people out of the city that they don’t have time to enforce the laws for everyone else.
SF is also a great place to get a venereal disease.
4) Portland, Oregon
Portland is just like Seattle, but not as corporate. You can ride your bike pretty much anywhere you want to; on the sidewalk, in the street, indoors, on the ceiling, on top of some old lady. The trendiest place to visit in Portland is their waterfront. Avoid the temptation to pee in their rivers. You will see the locals doing it, but that’s just a custom that they have. No need to join in. Don’t look them in the eye either. Cannibalism is common practice. All of their bridges are made of sand. Do not drive on their bridges. Also, the official mammal of Portland is the beaver. Try not to snicker at all the things named after the famed beast. Other than that, it’s a fantastic vacation spot.
3) Silver Lake, Los Angeles, California
Los Angeles loses points for having great weather and beautiful people. Hipsters do not do well if actual attractive people are around. The reason hipsters move to the places on our list is because they were abandoned by regular people decades ago. Plus, while LA is working to build up its public transportation infrastructure, it’s not exactly easy to hop on the subway out here and hipsters can’t afford cars.
Silver Lake makes it to #3 despite all that.
Why?
It’s easy to score drugs there.
2) Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York
As a proud Angeleno, it’s hard for me to accept New York City’s preeminence in American pop culture, but I have to face up to the truth. New York is the center of the universe to most trendy folk. It really has so much of what you’re looking for in a place to chill. Even better is all the famous hipsters you will run into. Ellen Page, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Joseph Gordon Levitt, the guys from Grizzly Bear, Grizzly Adams, Smokey The Bear, BJ & The Bear. Book your ticket already! Jeez!
1) Colonial Williamsburg
“Wait, did I read the map wrong? F**k it. Let’s go get drunk.”
