Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @abgates7 (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 5-25-18
Faceswapped a cat and a husky and made a cursed image pic.twitter.com/tsFqS2lewY
— yaymish (@gross_its_me) May 16, 2018
Me: (making elephant sounds while pretending my penis is a trunk)
Guy next to me at urinal: …
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 30, 2018
a wee Moet
a wee Moet
a wee Moet
a wee Moet
a wee Moet
in the jungle the mighty jungle pic.twitter.com/2tcf5FyC0S— Trevor Moore ™️ (@TrevorLess) May 10, 2018
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
— Matt (@Stap_Jr) May 3, 2018
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) May 18, 2018
Me: I’m going on holiday with my partner next week.
Ian: Abroad?
Me: I prefer to say woman.
— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) May 11, 2018
How dare you drive the speed limit when I’m late to something due to my own poor time management skills
— Ava (@avaevanss) May 16, 2018
cutting through the bullshit pic.twitter.com/dBmD7bcTPN
— Clyde Cash (@clydethecash) May 3, 2018
“millenials spend all their money on luxuries!” says the generation that insists on having expensive sets of “good” plates as well as regular plates as if anyone gives a shit.
— steph (@plantxbasic) May 16, 2018
That must be the official hand gesture of your hat fitting like shit pic.twitter.com/QIkPYfsJoC
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) May 21, 2018
Also: The Mandatory Memorial Day Playlist
I don’t understand airports. Security basically everywhere you look.. until you get to baggage claim. Then it’s just finders fucking keepers for all they care
— Matthew the human trash bag (@trashythisis) May 21, 2018
AYOOO I AINT THINK MY SCHOOL WOULD PUT MY QUOTE LMAOOO pic.twitter.com/g0xH5Q7CWo
— B. (@bbernierxo) May 21, 2018
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 17, 2018
I’ve been walking behind this guy wheeling his luggage while on a one wheel and he’s fallen like 12 times. I couldn’t ask for a better birthday gift pic.twitter.com/TTlQeFTLkL
— h. jon benjamin (@HJBenjamin) May 23, 2018
crackheads https://t.co/QYz8ryNbCI
— woah there (@larryvsjack) May 22, 2018
Princess Diana wearing sunglasses pic.twitter.com/Hk5fTH5KZF
— clive (@thehaloclive) May 23, 2018
I just saw a dad in cargo shorts on a riding mower shoot some finger pistols at another dad on a riding mower what a fucking power move
— Barry Zuckerkorn (@Jawwwwwsh) May 16, 2018
me after not replying to anyone’s texts for days and never taking initiative to text anyone first because i don’t have anything to talk about so i end up alone with myself and my thoughts every night pic.twitter.com/qKckPlMb4v
— (@liltinyisabel) May 25, 2018
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
— Gayer, Different Aaron (@abgates7) May 22, 2018
John Denver was notorious for telling friends his mode of transport and nothing actually useful:
“Leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again”
“Leaving on a speedboat, this is a note that I just wrote”
“Leaving in a rickshaw, as always bound by Newton’s laws”
— Thomas Brendel (@theSolemnBard) May 21, 2018
