Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @ders808 (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
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Funny Tweets 5-18-18
— elv (@_ElvishPresley_) May 14, 2018
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) May 6, 2018
Me watching my burrito get rolled up with absolutely zero structural integrity pic.twitter.com/TJBPQlR9mA
— Chrisp Gera (@chrisgera) April 26, 2018
I plugged my sons shoes in to charge them today….the fuck is this world? pic.twitter.com/SxGYUMRjJB
— Allan (@Cdn_Made) May 8, 2018
— youngmissCHICKEN (@existentialhype) May 12, 2018
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 14, 2018
How do two people end up looking like 3 King of the Hill characters? pic.twitter.com/ej5KtWo5NV
— mike mulloy (@fakemikemulloy) May 15, 2018
I love how ps2 games came with that little pizza roll holder in them, it was always very convenient pic.twitter.com/yapMbKgEfy
— Lethal Loli (@LoliRespecter) May 2, 2018
pretty wild that TJ Maxx is named after the two kids you knew in middle school who yelled at their parents in front of you
— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) May 15, 2018
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) May 17, 2018
Yanny/Laurel debate is so three days ago, though: ‘Yanny’ VS. ‘Laurel’ Has Been Dethroned By ‘Brainstorm’ VS. ‘Green Needle’
poke your finger in someone’s mouth while they are yawning to establish dominance
— Natalie Ray (@_natalieray) May 9, 2018
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) May 17, 2018
You can say “have a nice day.” and no problem. But you can’t say “enjoy the next 24 hours!” and not sound vaguely threatening.
— Talk To The Hatter (@Fanboy_Steve) April 30, 2018
I took every shot from behind-the-scenes featurettes where Dr. Strange is in front of a greenscreen, and edited him into a waterpark. pic.twitter.com/kiD8JTZLgH
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 15, 2018
Watching The Wedding Singer for the first time. Is “They were cones!” something people quoted for a while? Cause I thinl I’ll be saying it all month.
— Anders Holm (@ders808) May 15, 2018
The lawyer who threatened to call immigration enforcement on workers at a Manhattan cafe earlier this week sprinted away from an NBC News reporter earlier today https://t.co/BCsW1WSWDG pic.twitter.com/rb5A6XZBXF
— NBC New York (@NBCNewYork) May 17, 2018
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
— Cats are the future (@iLikeCatShirts) April 17, 2018
No one has fucked up harder than this person pic.twitter.com/wn024Ldgr6
— Bryan Menegus (@BryanDisagrees) May 17, 2018
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 12, 2018
Got em pic.twitter.com/VKH1YOGabY
— Justin Roiland (@JustinRoiland) May 16, 2018
