Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / @muyrando (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 4-27-18
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 24, 2018
cinematic parallels pic.twitter.com/KhpDFxNEvM
— nick denbow (@nickdenbow11) April 18, 2018
QUIZ HOST: Pick a topic
ME: Idk, music?
QUIZ HOST: Which Foo Fighters song has a quiet bit followed by a loud shouty bit?
ME: You have got to be kidding me
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 24, 2018
ok Shel we’re ready to shoot the photo for your children’s book. now just try to appear relaxed, warm and approachable. great, perfect, that’s a wrap pic.twitter.com/GhBYKpuj5n
— more bean than man now (@McLeemz) April 25, 2018
Topical references only. That’s my credo pic.twitter.com/bcrYf9YZl0
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) April 24, 2018
[on the phone]
Kidnapper: we have kidnapped your son
Me: Can I please talk to him?
*kidnapper hands phone to son*
Son: *crying* dad?
Me: where’s the fucking remote?— yabkat (@ohen39) April 23, 2018
Spy vs Spy pic.twitter.com/I9g8liSBM1
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) April 24, 2018
That was my most expensive meal pic.twitter.com/6fAY8r4HyQ
— (not) sierra crostly (@MasterHandFD) April 20, 2018
When I start a job vs when I’ve been working there for a couple of weeks pic.twitter.com/3yUhSeyeHw
— I miss the old kanye (@dale_fromcali) April 24, 2018
there is not one lip in this whole photo https://t.co/8E8mNAxlW2
— shana (@waterpharks) April 10, 2018
DON’T POOP ON THE BUS pic.twitter.com/elNK6EiLz6
— JerryGator (@Jerrypleasure) April 19, 2018
I’m gettin real fed up w group projects pic.twitter.com/oZDTf6USud
— alexa (@chelexaaaa) April 12, 2018
When ur listening to music with earbuds and the artist’s voice goes from one earbud to the other pic.twitter.com/VLeXFKRiNy
— Kermit (@SAVAGEKERMlT) April 12, 2018
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?— Ray of Sunshine (@muyrando) April 18, 2018
WOW if you put all those INFINITY WAR posters together there’s a hidden image! pic.twitter.com/iFWN5kIcnO
— Chris Evangelista (@cevangelista413) April 4, 2018
When the wrong number texts me pic.twitter.com/hClW1yDLdP
— not karley (@Itskarleytime) April 9, 2018
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why. pic.twitter.com/GiK1LKF9SU
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 24, 2018
Detect this you smug son of a bitch pic.twitter.com/GAb568o5EQ
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) April 25, 2018
Just got out of the #AvengersInfinityWar premiere. The movie is incredible, epic beyond compare. It’s everything you want it to be. Iron Man and Captain America fuck within the first fifteen minutes. Marvel fans are going to love this one – EASILY top five.
— ben mekler (@benmekler) April 24, 2018
we have strayed so far from God’s light, there’s no chance of rescue pic.twitter.com/ygFTEMde20
— village fetish (@botandy) April 25, 2018
