Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @ThatBloke_Jesus (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 4-20-18
These boxes have higher self esteem than me pic.twitter.com/2twq3Cw4kS
— Cara Weinberger (@caraweinberger) April 18, 2018
Here is a church that looks like a chicken because we need happy things in our life. pic.twitter.com/oLbO9FHAc0
— Foreswunk Jinxe (@jinxeptor) April 12, 2018
My son is 8 and he took his first real groundball to the face, cried for a few minutes, wiped the blood off his lip then asked for more groundballs.
I’m not proud. I’m scared. That’s an alpha male move and he is now a legitimate threat to take over my role as man of the house.
— Conner Hogue (@HogueCM) April 13, 2018
that feeling when you remembering yourself pic.twitter.com/2CCxD7h5Nu
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) April 18, 2018
— Super (@SuperMario34567) April 18, 2018
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again pic.twitter.com/DVfr2xPrZi
— Anjali. (@Anjalaaay) April 13, 2018
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) April 15, 2018
???? What is wrong with people? Why are these the people in HEALTHCARE pic.twitter.com/O6x4qUWlcx
— spice girl (@PoloYeIsDead) April 18, 2018
“My friend over there thinks you’re cute” pic.twitter.com/tj7RO1G4AN
— Daniel (@FootePajamas) April 19, 2018
Men,
When you sit on your wallet..Regards. pic.twitter.com/FCsxcuZzoW
— k@monjo maina (@kamonjomaina) April 16, 2018
the scene in garden state where he listens to the shins but i replaced the music with diarrhea noises pic.twitter.com/VtOa5m8NWR
— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) April 17, 2018
this is the proper way to flush a toilet and if u don’t do this ur never gonna get a high five from me sorry pic.twitter.com/gMhLHP5vqS
— conan gray (@conangray) April 13, 2018
— ryan (@yeetztweetz) April 12, 2018
Will Ferrell + Tom Waits = Ron Perlman pic.twitter.com/Z4Eog6MFjO
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) April 16, 2018
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 6, 2018
ok damn pic.twitter.com/7IOmn5cVAQ
— yabkat (@ohen39) April 15, 2018
i’m glad they made it easy for me to pump ketchup directly into the trash where it belongs pic.twitter.com/EpRlqyMTL6
— evelyn waluigi (@burgerkrang) April 18, 2018
here i am seconds after i’ve cut my own bangs pic.twitter.com/LuwlWuSbr8
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 18, 2018
Big shout out to Andrew from the UK who just thanked me because he found his keys
Anytime Andy, it’s what I do mate
— Jesus H Christ (@ThatBloke_Jesus) April 16, 2018
i ordered 30 of these last week and they just arrived today. now idk what to do with them pic.twitter.com/sHqoFjHW3r
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 18, 2018
