Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / @InternetHippo (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 4-13-18
when you at the grocery store and forget your reusable bags pic.twitter.com/rhGVcEbKQE
— kim (@KimmyMonte) April 10, 2018
Me: it’s been over an hour and they haven’t texted back…
My brain: it’s because they hate you
*phone vibrates*
Friend: sorry, I was at work and I hate you
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) April 12, 2018
When you wonder if you’ll ever find that special someone pic.twitter.com/zkzi34NgKj
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) April 10, 2018
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 6, 2018
“Mr. Zuckerberg, a magazine i recently opened came with a floppy disk offering me 30 free hours of something called America On-Line. Is that the same as Facebook?” pic.twitter.com/U7pqpUhEhQ
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) April 10, 2018
I recently smoked a joint with an old friend I hadn’t seen in years. Afterwards, he swallowed the roach. I was horrified, until he explained that it gets you 10x higher.
Then I remembered 12 years ago…when I told him that fact…as a joke.
He’s eaten over a thousand roaches.
— Elvish Presley® (@_ElvishPresley_) March 30, 2018
This is important. pic.twitter.com/JCHEUhjyvI
— Michael Herrera (@papertiki) April 9, 2018
If I tell you I’m 5 minutes away and you believe me that is your own personal problem.
— John (@pengakoto) April 8, 2018
me: (drinks a milkshake)
my lactose intolerance for the 4th time this week: pic.twitter.com/JfEncyypcI— cassius (@voltesblade) April 10, 2018
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.— I’m Not Dying Space Rider (@truegritrumble) July 21, 2016
When you make a bunch of plans in a manic frenzy but then you crash and get depressed and people start responding to your texts pic.twitter.com/fzN8sFu0Ov
— Spencer’s .gifs™ (@ebenB_) April 10, 2018
i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w
— mar d (@maryjennaa) January 7, 2018
Where do babies come from?
Well son, when a man knows how to work Stair 1, he’s allowed to get roof access… pic.twitter.com/7N40L5peAt
— i liv. (@liv_thatsme) April 10, 2018
I’m watching a documentary about Piers Morgan pic.twitter.com/sJk8B5WVmo
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 12, 2018
do i really need to buy this thing or am i just sad
— the hippo account (@InternetHippo) April 10, 2018
— (@PerthshireMags) April 11, 2018
you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me
me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me
— Kal (@captainkalvis) April 8, 2018
Apple is just disrespecting yall at this point pic.twitter.com/hl19Gi3gZd
— Ahsoka Tano (@ImmaculateICE_) April 5, 2018
i’ve been thinking about this balloon for at least an hour now pic.twitter.com/d0XOxzEdgK
— Hours BLFC (@0600Hours) April 8, 2018
[alternate universe where the titanic never sank]
WEALTHY GENTLEMAN: why is there jizz all over the backseat of my car
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) April 10, 2018
