This Week’s 20 Funniest Tweets 3-9-18

Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @daemonic3 (Twitter)

Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.

Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.

Funny Tweets 3-9-18

I think my lizard may have murdered someone pic.twitter.com/p6V7O6Ay2Q

— izzy (@danisnobunk) March 5, 2018

I know you think I’m just a normal quiet dude. But wait: I have a small tattoo on my shoulder

— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) March 2, 2018

say it ain’t so,
i will not go
turn the lights off,
carry me home pic.twitter.com/yIeTBvrwQF

— maeve (@bbiss666) March 5, 2018

GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 5, 2018

We’re in The Bad Place pic.twitter.com/HHK4uDRoVu

— Brodie Lancaster (@brodielancaster) March 7, 2018

My daughter just tried pizza for the first time. pic.twitter.com/yiPNJgUBJg

— Jody Avirgan (@jodyavirgan) March 3, 2018

OMG THE SIMPSONS REALLY DID PREDICT EVERYTHING. THIS *IS* LOUSY SMARCH WEATHER!!!!!!!

— Margaret Lyons (@margeincharge) March 2, 2018

Here’s a line graph about bowling pic.twitter.com/eULBcvIZlD

— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) March 9, 2018

LAWYER: is the item your mom brought home here in the court room?

ME: yes [slowly points at first exhibit]

LAWYER: let the record show the plaintiff pointed at exhibit A… UNFROSTED POP-TARTS

[the entire court room gasps]
[2 jury members faint]

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 7, 2018

Well damn Jackie, I can’t control the weather pic.twitter.com/2hx61m9ZTP

— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) March 2, 2018

[skydiving on 1st date]

ME: [shouting] Hey, I guess we’re really “falling” for each other lol

HER: [continues falling and never opens chute]

— Terry F (@daemonic3) March 5, 2018

Happy #InternationalWomenDay2018 I took a bunch of cartoons and photoshopped out the dudes. pic.twitter.com/JH5PKtg6Pf

— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) March 8, 2018

Are you there, God? It’s mi, the third note from The Sound of Music

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 6, 2018

take a seat kids. it’s time for a rock and roll history lesson. pic.twitter.com/vV3HzPoipF

— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 6, 2018

this past year i’ve had dumbbells delivered to my house everyday, ordering heavier and heavier one’s every couple weeks. i’ve never used any of the weights, but have had the pleasure of watching this one UPS guy get absolutely jacked

— cole hersch (@ColesTwitt3r) March 6, 2018

me: I got a tattoo to remember my father
her: aww that’s sweet. can I see?
me: pic.twitter.com/vZJSlJhyDt

— Marf (@MarfSalvador) March 8, 2018

This sign has broken me. I’m ready to just throw off the yoke of society and live ferally now. pic.twitter.com/0u0wK0GC1D

— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) March 4, 2018

*sees a girl wearing a thrasher hoodie*

i bet she doesn’t even skate bro

*sees a guy wearing camo*

thank u so much for ur service soldier

— hillary clinton: i roll with hotsauce, i got flava (@sexualjumanji) March 9, 2017